Suddenly I have started to feel this overwhelming grief and deep confusion at the prospect of entering the 'crone' stage of my life at the tender age of 45.
Suddenly I find myself lamenting where the hell has my life, my youth and my health gone?!
Suddenly I find myself questioning my very existence and wondering what it has all been for...
It feels as though my life has come to a screeching, unexpected halt and I no longer have the energy or desire to figure things out or to get back on board whatever used to propel me forward in life. When the thought of doing something interesting comes to me, something that would have previously fired me up with passion and enthusiasm, I find that I immediately toss the thought aside while telling myself there really is NO POINT because whatever I start I am probably only going to abandon in a few hours, days or week's time.
Seeing as I am a writer and have loved keeping a journal for years I thought one project I am likely (hopefully!) to stick with is a blog about this process I am going through. Interestingly, when the idea came to me I didn't experience the usual treacly thick inner resistance. It came to me three days ago after I took the first pregnancy test (the day after my period was due) and found it was 'negative'. I reasoned that it maybe too early to tell for sure and decided to re-test in three days time, as suggested in the instructions. But the terrifying seed of doubt was already planted - 'you mean this might actually be it?' I felt compelled to start the blog straight away but decided it would only end up being yet another 'unfinished project' if in three days time I tested positive and I didn't want to do that to myself so I decided to wait.
But I really did go into some kind of shock that day. I had been wondering for a couple of weeks if my wild hormonal symptoms were due to pregnancy and for some reason it hadn't even occurred to me that it was menopause that was causing it. I knew the menopause messes with your periods - I'd only last month suffered an abnormally long bleed and have also been taking herbs to regulate my cycle for over three years. (I use Agnus Castus which has been highly effective at stopping my periods arriving massively early.) Of course I also knew menopause usually causes missed or delayed periods as the process tapers down to a halt, something I had even witnessed my older sister experiencing. But what I really and truly didn't expect was that a menopausal missed period could feel like the 'phantom period' I'd experienced in early pregnancy, I just assumed nothing would happen! I also didn't expect that when this final menopausal stage kicked in for me it would be when I have finally met the right man after years of dodgy relationships and we were in the middle planning our wedding and new life together.
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As I write this I am beginning to see I have been in some sort of weird menopausal denial, probably caused by the fact that I don't have any children. I only ever got pregnant once 16 years ago and that ended in a 'missed miscarriage' (I had to have a D&C to remove the placenta) and a very messy break-up. I was constantly re-assured by everyone I still had plenty of time for children, I was after all only 29, but despite having unprotected sex with partners since then, I have never once had another positive pregnancy test. I did, however, have many 'phantom pregnancies' where I experienced the same symptoms I had when pregnant but then always ended up bleeding. To this day I do not know if I was miscarrying very early or was just in a weird emotional battle with my body because on some level I was pining to see a pregnancy through to birth.
To add to the menopausal confusion, I am not sure I even really want children. It's been very difficult to get my head around what I can only assume must be a severe case of biology vs common sense. I love kids but I can't imagine having the strength to deal with a baby feeling the way I do these days, physically or emotionally. I honestly don't know how I'd cope, with endless sleepless nights, picking up / carrying a child with a bad back ( two prolapsed discs), or the noise and constant demands on my time and energy, even with a loving partner I know would support and stand by me.
Despite this, I know in my heart if I'd discovered I was pregnant, I'd have been over the moon so it is with great sadness that I'd like to acknowledge this momentous day as the beginning of the end of my fertility...
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By writing my thoughts and feelings down today, I have already gained some much needed clarity and emotional relief. I hope writing this blog will continue to help me process the demanding emotional and spiritual challenges of this powerful life transition and that sharing it will offer other women some comfort and insight on their own menopausal journey.
Goddess Blessings ♥
Someone posted a link to your blog in a group I am in. I started menopause 2 years ago at the age of 44 and while I was still breastfeeding my only child. I had 4 periods that year (3 under the influence of soya isoflavones, all within 8 weeks time), but still had the pmt symptoms and the hormonal headaches. The second year I had 2 periods (no more soy!) and the pmt and headaches spaced out a bit. The flushes also came and went the first 2 years, but now seem here to stay. Now I am starting year 3 and so much of what you have been writing about resonates with me. I was ambivalent about having children - we had tried for years with not a moment of suspense, then it happened unexpectedly at age 42. When the menopause started I was not too surprised, as my mother started at 45. I have tried so many herbs with no success. My emotions are so much more volatile (my poor child!), my libido is rock bottom (poor husband!), my waistline is unrecognisable (poor me!). I am also trying to start a new business. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say that you are certainly not alone in walking this path, we are all here together on this journey into a new phase of life. Hopefully, the self-reflection brought on by these trials will end with us being empowered, wise, women! MH
ReplyDeleteThanks TM - both for your honesty and encouragement - it's good to know we are not alone! I am sorry to hear you have not found any relief from herbs as they have helped me a lot, I am not sure where I'd be without them. It's a very challenging process and truly amazing how little this is talked about, except the hot flushes / nigh sweats... there is so much more to it than that! Thanks again for sharing, much appreciated xx
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