Dealing with the Rage...

Today I am having to force myself to write, not because I don’t want to but because I am feeling so lethargic and defeated by a strange depression that doing anything at all feels like wading through treacle. But I want to write because I know it will make me feel better… so here I am.

I am beginning to get the impression that menopause is bringing up lots of stuff from my childhood – stuff I thought I’d dealt with long ago. I had another rage attack on Saturday, triggered this time by more of the seemingly 'never ending internet hell' followed by two days of people parking their cars in my parking space.

We have an ongoing issue with visitors parking in our spaces where I live, but it hasn’t happened to me for months. Then, on the day of ‘YMIH’ (Yet More Internet Hassle) someone decides to park in my space while I was out in the morning and then not leave until after I had gone to bed. The next morning I hadn’t even had a chance to move my car before some other f**ker had moved into my spot and then stayed for most of the day. Arrrrgh! I had to really talk myself down from going out and vandalising their car – instead I went berserk in the flat and ended up hurting my fingers. Why the hell is all this happening at a time when I am so completely incapable of dealing with it? It really feels like the Universe is conspiring against me right now and it makes me wonder what is it I am not getting?

While reflecting upon all this frustrating ridiculousness, it has occurred to me that I haven’t felt this enraged since I was 7 years old. At that time I was in a permanent state of impotent rage because my step mother, who I was unfortunately forced to live with, absolutely delighted in controlling, harassing, and humiliating me on a daily basis. Perhaps I have been experiencing the same feelings of utter powerlessness because in both situations it seemed like there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent the relentless stress.

Feeling this impotent rage again is really freaking me out because it really doesn’t reflect the person I am today. Not only is my life generally very good, but I know that I am no longer a powerless child whose only recourse is to smash something in a rage when I get stressed by something. But these days, when I get triggered by any continued stress that’s exactly how it feels. It is as if something deeply primal and instinctive takes over and if I find I am unable to protect myself by resolving the stress fairly quickly, then I am overcome with the desire to destroy whatever is causing it or to ‘kill myself’ in frustration and despair. (Don’t worry, these suicidal thoughts are more of an overly dramatic mental loop than a feeling that I would actually ever act upon.) It seems to me that the hormonal fluctuations and imbalances caused by the menopause are simultaneously amplifying my natural reactions while pushing my stress tolerance level down so far that I find myself in cave woman ‘fight or flight’ mode far too readily.

The question has always been – is it ‘just’ the hormones? My answer to that is I really don’t think it is. Yes, the hormonal fluctuations are making it much harder for me to manage my emotional reactions and are apparently creating my primal ‘wild’ self to surface but there is always an external stimuli which triggers it – even if it is an apparent over-reaction to circumstances, my rage definitely doesn’t come out of nowhere. I’d even argue that my menopausal lack of tolerance for putting up with crap from other people somehow feels more authentic, the only problem is I still have to find a way to function in the world outside and I really can’t go around smashing up people’s cars! 

Perhaps more to the point, I wonder how much of this is simply the huge reservoirs of frustrated childhood rage bubbling to the surface? It seems to me that the menopause is pushing the darker, hidden aspects of my psyche to the surface while simultaneously reducing my usual capacity to handle it – a bit like going on a dodgy group therapy weekend and having everything stirred with no place to properly process, resolve or release the feelings after the event. (Yes, I have unfortunately been there.)

As I write this, I am wondering if perhaps this is a good time to re-enter therapy, especially as last year I finally completely broke contact with my family. Maybe the timing is absolutely perfect – the menopause is literally forcing me to deal with this stuff on a deeper level by holding me hostage with mood swings and self-defeating mental loops that are challenging me on an almost daily basis. Maybe I need to stop ignoring and overriding my feelings so that they build up into a volcanic eruption. Maybe I need to separate the stuff I can change from the stuff that I can’t; to try and deal with life directly instead of ignoring the stuff I am afraid of (i.e. leaving a job that is too stressful) and driving myself bonkers by focussing all my agitated attention on things I really am completely powerless over (i.e. telecommunications companies and selfish drivers).

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I started writing this post a couple of days ago and since then have finally sent the difficult email to the person I was working for. The end result was a polite email exchange where we both expressed the belief that it would be better if we ended the arrangement. After receiving the reply this morning, the relief is slowly beginning to sink in…

I also had fun the other day scrawling ‘Private! No Parking!’ in thick black marker pen on a large ceramic flower pot which now lives in the middle of my parking space while I am out.

Woe betide anyone who decides to move it!! 

Goddess Blessings ♥