On Becoming Invisible to Men

Today I received the following comment from a reader: 'The point for me is not so much about the libido, but rather that I feel that no men will ever look at me as I passed the threshold of becoming invisible. Anyone experiencing this?'  'SC'

Thanks for your question 'SC' - it is a really good topic for discussion! I started to write a reply in the comments section but then I realised I had so much to say about it I should make it into a new post. If anyone has anything to add, please post it directly on the blog (rather than in a closed FB group) so that 'SC' also has a chance to read your reply, or email me and I will post it for you.

                                                                      *          *          *

I know lots of women who have expressed huge fears and feelings of loss when they notice that men no longer look at them the same way they used to. I also went through this painful experience a few years ago...

When I was 38 I lost a lot of weight and made an effort to be attractive as I was actively dating and looking for a relationship. I felt really good about myself and was amazed to be attracting really young men, even a guy who turned out to be 19 and who thought I was really hot! (I met him at a party and we kissed outside under the moonlight - I felt SO validated and powerful...) Shortly after this, I ended up in a relationship with a 24 year old. Looking back, I feel like that was the absolute peak of my sexual confidence.

Unfortunately, as you'd expect with any 'peak' in life, it has been down hill ever since! When I got back into the dating game just a few short years later, (in my early 40s), I noticed a definite decrease in the level of interest I got from men and often felt depressed by it. However, this unpleasant 'come down' also had a lot to do with how I felt about my attractiveness at the time; my health hadn't been good for a while and consequently the weight had all piled back on, plus a bit more. Add that to my feeling generally very old, stiff and physically limited because of my back problems - I felt I was a million miles from being anyone's hot date...

Over the past 5 (menopausal) years I have found it harder and harder to shift any weight and even harder to keep it off. Frequent attempts to lose weight and to re-gain my lost sexual confidence has meant my weight has yo-yoed constantly and my feelings about my attractiveness have yo-yoed right along with it. I suppose for me, feeling 'invisible' has ultimately had more to do with how I feel about myself because I know from experience that when I am feeling attractive and sexy, men notice me more - whatever age I happen to be.

Unfortunately, and to my great annoyance and constant distress, my feelings of attractiveness have a direct correlation to my weight - I just can't seem to feel attractive when I am overweight, I feel disgusted with my body and just want to hide it. At those times I want to be invisible because I feel so ugly but then I end up hating myself for not making more of an effort to look nice as well as for not 'getting on top of' my weight. It makes me feel really sad writing all this down and to be honest I am genuinely surprised by all the apparent self hatred that has poured out of me - this is the mental anguish I never really share with anyone. Once again, it seems that menopause is only really amplifying something that has always been lurking beneath the surface - I have always felt this 'fat shame' but menopause is making it so much harder to control my weight, so I feel my days of ever being 'attractive' again (i.e. slim) are well and truly over.

Despite all this, 18 months ago I met a man who finds me very attractive and wants to marry me, so I have been trying really hard not drive myself (and him) mad with these feelings of self loathing. In the end, if I have a loving partner, so why should it even matter whether I still look 25 or whether other men still look at me? The sad truth is I am far more worried about the whole 'buying a wedding dress thing' because I know that doing it while I'm 'feeling fat' is going to trigger a shame spiral... What I really want is to be able to feel attractive and sexy whatever weight I am, but I just can't see that happening, even with an attractive admiring man in my life.

While it is obvious that men are more likely to 'check out' younger women's bodies, clearly this in no way precludes them from appreciating the sexiness of older women or wanting to have relationships with them. From what I have observed, men are nowhere near as fussy as women think - and the ones who are overly fixated on appearance are really not worth worrying about. From a feminist point of view, perhaps we should be challenging the media's constant subliminal conditioning that has us believe that our only real value in the world lies in our attractiveness to men, and that if they ever stop lusting after our body, we instantly become nothing.

As I write this, I also wonder if perhaps some of women's insecurity about becoming sexually invisible is actually rooted in the much deeper fear of our own mortality; the nebulous oily fear that that comes bubbling to the surface with the impending loss of fertility and its indisputable message that our youth is most definitely over. Perhaps this is why everyone is so afraid of the menopause - both men and women - because when it arrives it is the first tangible sign that our lives really do not go on forever. In my case this terrifying wake-up-call happened in my early 40s before I had even had the chance to have any children, and it left me feeling like somehow my life managed to slip through my fingers - maybe obsessing about my weight and wanting to regain my youthful body is all about wanting to stay in control...

The fact is older women can be very sexy and judging by the snowballing 'cougar' movement, even younger men are beginning to see that. If a post menopausal woman wants sex, I am confident she can get it. If she wants love, I believe she will get offers from men of all ages, however she might be more inclined to turn them down because SHE has got more picky. And should her long term relationship fail there is nothing to suggest she won't find a new relationship if she really wants one. But in the end, all the male attention in the world won't stop the menopause from making us feel more unattractive if we are already suffering from low self esteem - or from forcing us to the face our fear of our own mortality.

                                                                  *           *           *

Reflecting upon what I have written, I think that I need to focus on being grateful for all that I have today, while also creating the space to grieve all that I have lost with my youth. Male sexual attention has always been a double edged sword for me - maybe menopause is actually offering us the opportunity to liberate ourselves from the shackles of the endless approval seeking from men:

Maybe this is the time to finally break free and truly become ourselves...

Goddess Blessings ♥