Cracking Open the Floodgates

I feel really sad and fragile today. Sometimes it’s hard to know what is ‘menopause’ and what is just the ebb and flow of life... but I expect it is all connected because I can’t see how to separate myself or different parts of my life from this huge process I am in.

Thankfully my period came and went without incident. I really think the Chinese Angelica is helping to regulate my cycle as well as increasing my libido to a more acceptable level. I have also noticed that the intense rages have subsided; despite feeling immense grief today, I feel my moods have definitely evened out over the past couple of weeks and even my partner has noticed too… So a big thumbs up to Angelica!

I was almost feeling normal again but over the last 3 days or so I have been having unpleasant dreams that have left me feeling really empty and sad. The more I reflect upon my menopausal experience, the more I notice that this process seems to be causing things that are buried deep in my psyche to bubble to the surface, often though my dreams. Every time this happens, I wake feeling awful even though I am mostly re-experiencing something that is predominantly in the past.

I guess any healing process is multi-layered and I shouldn't be surprised that grief should surface at this time in my life. Not only are the hormones making it harder for me to keep any feelings I do have under control but also menopause itself is a time of ‘letting go’ and of potentially grieving one’s youth. I didn’t have a very happy youth so for me it is less about grieving what was and more about grieving what will never be.

Last year I cut ties with my family and it has recently started to cause me anguish. This is partly because I am no longer fighting to try and resolve things, so all I have left is the loss that has dominated my entire life. But also, since getting engaged and starting to plan my wedding without them, it suddenly all feels so real and so final. Rather than simply feeling happy that I am finally free of all the pain they caused me and that I am starting a new life with a man who really knows how to love, all I can feel right now is immense grief at the sheer enormity of my loss. Add that to all the other childhood feelings that are surfacing and it has started to feel quite overwhelming. The grief and feelings of rejection have started to make me question my decision to break contact and to doubt that I have done the ‘right’ thing. Thankfully, as soon as I cast my mind back to what it was like to be ‘in there’ with them, I am quite sure that not only is living with this grief so much better, but it also perfectly natural given the circumstances.

It seems that an entire life’s worth of ‘letting go’ and grieving is converging at this profound moment in my life. As menopause cracks open the floodgates of my lamenting soul, I pray that I will find the courage to feel and release these layers grief that I have been carrying around with me most of my life. 

As I stand and face these waves, I pray that I find the strength to allow them to wash away the past and everything that has held me back in life. 

Goddess Blessings ♥