Dealing with the Rage...

Today I am having to force myself to write, not because I don’t want to but because I am feeling so lethargic and defeated by a strange depression that doing anything at all feels like wading through treacle. But I want to write because I know it will make me feel better… so here I am.

I am beginning to get the impression that menopause is bringing up lots of stuff from my childhood – stuff I thought I’d dealt with long ago. I had another rage attack on Saturday, triggered this time by more of the seemingly 'never ending internet hell' followed by two days of people parking their cars in my parking space.

We have an ongoing issue with visitors parking in our spaces where I live, but it hasn’t happened to me for months. Then, on the day of ‘YMIH’ (Yet More Internet Hassle) someone decides to park in my space while I was out in the morning and then not leave until after I had gone to bed. The next morning I hadn’t even had a chance to move my car before some other f**ker had moved into my spot and then stayed for most of the day. Arrrrgh! I had to really talk myself down from going out and vandalising their car – instead I went berserk in the flat and ended up hurting my fingers. Why the hell is all this happening at a time when I am so completely incapable of dealing with it? It really feels like the Universe is conspiring against me right now and it makes me wonder what is it I am not getting?

While reflecting upon all this frustrating ridiculousness, it has occurred to me that I haven’t felt this enraged since I was 7 years old. At that time I was in a permanent state of impotent rage because my step mother, who I was unfortunately forced to live with, absolutely delighted in controlling, harassing, and humiliating me on a daily basis. Perhaps I have been experiencing the same feelings of utter powerlessness because in both situations it seemed like there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent the relentless stress.

Feeling this impotent rage again is really freaking me out because it really doesn’t reflect the person I am today. Not only is my life generally very good, but I know that I am no longer a powerless child whose only recourse is to smash something in a rage when I get stressed by something. But these days, when I get triggered by any continued stress that’s exactly how it feels. It is as if something deeply primal and instinctive takes over and if I find I am unable to protect myself by resolving the stress fairly quickly, then I am overcome with the desire to destroy whatever is causing it or to ‘kill myself’ in frustration and despair. (Don’t worry, these suicidal thoughts are more of an overly dramatic mental loop than a feeling that I would actually ever act upon.) It seems to me that the hormonal fluctuations and imbalances caused by the menopause are simultaneously amplifying my natural reactions while pushing my stress tolerance level down so far that I find myself in cave woman ‘fight or flight’ mode far too readily.

The question has always been – is it ‘just’ the hormones? My answer to that is I really don’t think it is. Yes, the hormonal fluctuations are making it much harder for me to manage my emotional reactions and are apparently creating my primal ‘wild’ self to surface but there is always an external stimuli which triggers it – even if it is an apparent over-reaction to circumstances, my rage definitely doesn’t come out of nowhere. I’d even argue that my menopausal lack of tolerance for putting up with crap from other people somehow feels more authentic, the only problem is I still have to find a way to function in the world outside and I really can’t go around smashing up people’s cars! 

Perhaps more to the point, I wonder how much of this is simply the huge reservoirs of frustrated childhood rage bubbling to the surface? It seems to me that the menopause is pushing the darker, hidden aspects of my psyche to the surface while simultaneously reducing my usual capacity to handle it – a bit like going on a dodgy group therapy weekend and having everything stirred with no place to properly process, resolve or release the feelings after the event. (Yes, I have unfortunately been there.)

As I write this, I am wondering if perhaps this is a good time to re-enter therapy, especially as last year I finally completely broke contact with my family. Maybe the timing is absolutely perfect – the menopause is literally forcing me to deal with this stuff on a deeper level by holding me hostage with mood swings and self-defeating mental loops that are challenging me on an almost daily basis. Maybe I need to stop ignoring and overriding my feelings so that they build up into a volcanic eruption. Maybe I need to separate the stuff I can change from the stuff that I can’t; to try and deal with life directly instead of ignoring the stuff I am afraid of (i.e. leaving a job that is too stressful) and driving myself bonkers by focussing all my agitated attention on things I really am completely powerless over (i.e. telecommunications companies and selfish drivers).

*          *          *

I started writing this post a couple of days ago and since then have finally sent the difficult email to the person I was working for. The end result was a polite email exchange where we both expressed the belief that it would be better if we ended the arrangement. After receiving the reply this morning, the relief is slowly beginning to sink in…

I also had fun the other day scrawling ‘Private! No Parking!’ in thick black marker pen on a large ceramic flower pot which now lives in the middle of my parking space while I am out.

Woe betide anyone who decides to move it!! 

Goddess Blessings ♥

A Menopausal Wake-Up Call

OMG. Yesterday was the day from hell. Are these ‘mood swings’ for real?! I have never been the most easy-going person in the world, nor the most able to handle stress, but yesterday was truly awful and my emotional reactions went right off the chart.

It all started with another day at the office. I have been feeling really stressed by this particular job and was so anxious about facing the onslaught again that I woke up 2 hours before my alarm and didn’t really manage to get back to sleep. Not a great start as of course lack of sleep makes me feel worse and I have to drink coffee to get my brain to work – something I don’t usually do. I settled down to an hour or so of work by myself and then suddenly found myself having to ‘rush to the loo’ just before my boss was due to arrive. Really not a good sign!

After several hours of feeling like I was causing her a major inconvenience just by being there, I considered doing the grown up thing and talking to her about what was going on. I decided against this as I knew if I opened my mouth I would end up turning into a gibbering, sobbing wreck and I really couldn’t face any more humiliation. I considered walking out several times but even that seemed to be beyond my capabilities so instead I surrendered to being buffered around in someone else’s chaos and reasoned with myself it is only for one day.

Then ‘The Phone Call’. I could write a TRILOGY on my Orange / EE broadband saga but I'm not going to bore you with the details. All I will say is this, I have been having an ongoing issue with my service for over a year and I have been making a concerted effort to try and resolve this since February. I started this particular call after work as I had an hour and a half to kill before meeting a friend for coffee. I ended up standing in the office hallway with my bags for an hour and then having to continue with the call while driving (hands-free) to meet my friend because if I didn’t get to the end of it there and then, I would end up being trapped in a new one year contract that I didn’t want. Then there was a road closure right in the middle of town at 5pm on a Friday night… Thankfully I was so engrossed in the conversation with EE that I hardly noticed the traffic jam I was stuck in.

After a lovely catch up with my friend, I went home and enjoyed a take away and DVD with my partner. Then I opened my emails… and there it was, an email from EE with my name, and therefore my new username spelled wrong. That was when I hit the roof. I could not understand how the man I had just spent an hour and a half speak to could have created a misspelt user name after we had gone over EVERYTHING to make sure we both had it right, including the spelling of my name. Not only did I not want to have to call them up yet AGAIN to try and get this corrected but having been stuck with an old name for years because Orange would not update it when I legally changed my name, I had visions of having to cancel yet another order and starting from scratch. I’d rather gouge my own eyes out than go through all that again!!! (If you are wondering why I have stuck with EE there have been technical complications too long to explain here.)

That was when ‘tired, anxious, harassed me’ turned into a raging banshee. I was so enraged I didn’t know what to do with myself. To protect my partner, I left the room and ended up kicking in the door of my bedside cabinet. When this did not abate the rage, I decided to go out for a brisk walk up a very long steep hill and this thankfully helped me calm down (highly recommended for any future outbursts!) We were about to watch another episode of Heros when I spotted some unopened envelopes on the table... Among them was a new council tax bill. WTF?!!!! Again, weeks of careful planning and phone calls to make sure the direct debit was all set up to 12 monthly payments starting in April. We had changed the bank account the direct debits were to come out of and without notice THEY STOPPED THE PAYMENTS! And here was the brand new bill of 10 higher payments starting in June…

Utterly defeated, I sat on the sofa staring out of the window because I was crying too much to watch T.V. My partner sat there silently holding me as he didn’t dare open his mouth for fear of setting me off again. I was overwhelmed by this terrible sense of futility; what is the point of me doing anything? What is the point of my miserable life if everything I try to do just turns to shit? What is the point of bothering to live in a world where everyone else is selfish, unreasonable or just plain incompetent? I have visions of slashing my wrists because I feel so utterly trapped on this ferris wheel of stress, I seem to be completely powerless to stop it going round in circles or to find a way to get off. 

   

Ok, I know I am 'hormonal' but there is definitely something else going on here. I am a firm believer that life shows us things through events and if something keeps happening, then there must be a reason for it. Yes, I am ‘hormonally challenged’ so my reactions and feelings are heightened, but if the process of menopause has a spiritual purpose beyond simple biology then what is it trying to teach me?  Everything that happened yesterday pushed my stress levels way beyond what I am currently able to deal with. Of course I would have got stressed and angry even without the help of my hormones, but last night felt more than that, it felt like a wake-up call that menopause is literally screaming in my face.

The feeling of futility comes from knowing I am being pushed to change something but I can't for the life of me work out what or how. I am scared that if I walk away from this job, instead of feeling relief and pleased that I have taken care of myself, I will end up feeling like a complete failure and doubtful that I can do any work. I am scared that if I don’t manage to sort out this God forsaken EE issue, then I will end up with no internet options left and that will make my life even more difficult. In other words, I can't deal with the way things are but I feel frozen by a fear that whatever I do to try and resolve it will only make matters worse.

Right now I do not know the answer but I do feel a lot better for having written it all down. I have the house to myself today and absolutely nothing planned so I think I will get lost in some painting (something I have recently taken up again) and maybe some dancing and maybe even a walk…

Today I am choosing to trust that clarity will come in time.

Goddess Blessings ♥

Gaining Some Perspective...

A few weeks ago, when I first started doing research about the uncharacteristic anxiety and dark moods I was experiencing, I considered that it may be something to do with the menopause. Even I found all my symptoms on ‘the list’ but still wasn’t convinced because the feelings I was having seemed too extreme compared to my physical symptoms. I’d always expected that I might experience some hormonal mood swings once I was no longer menstruating or if I started having huge hot flushes during the day, but my physical symptoms really weren’t any different from usual so I couldn’t understand how these challenging feelings could have suddenly become so intense. I had also imagined that any hormonal feelings I might experience would somehow be obvious to me and ‘make sense’ so my overwhelming confusion and cloudy thinking made it seem all the less plausible that my feelings were being caused by the menopause.

Then I had my first missed period - a ‘phantom period’ lasting 5 days which was physically painful and an unexpected emotional roller coaster ride. I couldn’t sleep properly or concentrate on anything and all I wanted to do was run away and hide from the world. A few days later I got my first positive blood test result in 5 years confirming what I already knew to be true – I was ‘perimenopausal’. It was only then that it really hit me – maybe all the emotional stuff I’d been experiencing was related to my menopause after all, it had just came before the next wave of physical changes…   

The problem is no one really talks about the process. Yes, there is a well-documented check list of symptoms, but no one really explains how all these symptoms relate to each or how they might develop and change over time. There is little if any mention of the multitude of different layers to the changes or how these may directly and indirectly impact a woman’s life. In the end, a check list of symptoms and their possible remedies doesn't really help much when you are drowning in a process you don’t fully understand.

   

I also found that most of the online information that I found proudly states that ‘every woman is different’ as if this is somehow supposed to be reassuring. Unfortunately this sentimental vagueness offers no comfort when you are staring down from what can only be described as the precipice of your own demise. Offering this unhelpful platitude while systematically ignoring the depth and breadth of the menopausal process seems like society’s way of saying to women – ‘you are in this on your own – deal with it’. Telling a woman that her menopausal difficulties are ‘uniquely her own’ not only separates her from the reassurance of a common experience but also from the community of womankind which holds the only potential source of genuine support she is ever likely to receive.

When looking at it from a purely medical point of view, if menopausal women are found to be suffering from mood swings, then it makes sense to attribute them to hormones because they are after all the ‘root cause’ of the entire process. However, if we take a step back and look at the menopause from a holistic point of view, it becomes conceivable that perhaps some of that anxiety, depression and rage can be attributed to external causes such as a lack of support in relationships or at work or as a result of feeling rejected and ignored by society – in short, circumstances that have nothing directly to do with the woman or her hormones. It also becomes possible to see that although each women’s journey is unique, ultimately menopause is not an ‘individual experience’ because all women go through it if they live long enough. When we step back far enough it becomes clear that actually the menopause is the final stage of a collective feminine process, a process that quite literally makes the world go round! All women play a role in this human expression of the Divine Feminine and the collective patterns that are forged over time don’t just affect women, they affect everyone including children and men.

When you look at it this way, menopause transforms from a ‘private medical matter’ into an important step in the cosmic dance of life, a step that should be explored, embraced and perhaps even celebrated. But when these deeper emotional and spiritual layers of the menopause are denied or ignored by society, this empowering vision remains hidden from women’s view like a valuable treasure map buried in the sand. This leaves individual women isolated and emotionally vulnerable while going through what is potentially the most challenging Right of Passage they will ever experience.

Menopause does not have to be approached as a list of medical symptoms or as a private, individual experience. We can make a conscious decision to view menopause as the third and final stage of a life-long feminine journey that is deeply connected to our very existence on this planet. When we are prepared to dig a little deeper, menopause becomes so much more that a biological process measured by hormonal fluctuations; the process of menopause has the potential to be experienced as a powerful spiritual awakening that calls into question every single aspect of our beingness; - our sexuality and creativity, our inner emotional landscape, our relationships with others and even our collective position within society.

Over this past week of writing I have become aware of this exciting possibility and in doing so have started to feel infinitely better – not exactly sane – but definitely better! Since deciding to chart my own menopausal course against this newly found map, I no longer feel alone in facing this this wild and scary journey. Not only has meaningful support and sharing with other women suddenly become a genuine possibility but also I have realised that whether I am alone or sharing with other women, I can at any time choose to consciously draw inner strength and guidance directly from the Source of the Divine Feminine.

I am slowly coming to terms that I am likely to be on a roller coaster ride for a while yet and that I need to look at holistic ways to minimise any distress. I can see clearly that this means I not only need to nurture my physical body by taking herbs and supplements, exercising and eating well but also need to explore ways to meet my emotional, sexual /creative, mental and spiritual needs while I go through this life changing transition...  

Goddess Blessings ♥