OMG. Yesterday was the day from hell. Are these ‘mood swings’
for real?! I have never been the most easy-going person in the world, nor the
most able to handle stress, but yesterday was truly awful and my emotional reactions went right off the chart.
It all started with another day at the office. I have been
feeling really stressed by this particular job and was so anxious about facing
the onslaught again that I woke up 2 hours before my alarm and didn’t really manage
to get back to sleep. Not a great start as of course lack of sleep
makes me feel worse and I have to drink coffee to get my brain to work –
something I don’t usually do. I settled down to an hour or so of work by myself
and then suddenly found myself having to ‘rush to the loo’ just before my boss was due to
arrive. Really not a good sign!
After several hours of feeling like I was causing her a major inconvenience just by being there, I considered doing the grown up thing and talking to
her about what was going on. I decided against this as I knew if I opened my
mouth I would end up turning into a gibbering, sobbing wreck and I really couldn’t
face any more humiliation. I considered walking out several times but even that
seemed to be beyond my capabilities so instead I surrendered to being buffered
around in someone else’s chaos and reasoned with myself it is only for one day.
Then ‘The Phone Call’. I could write a TRILOGY on my Orange
/ EE broadband saga but I'm not going to bore you with the details. All I will say is
this, I have been having an ongoing issue with my service for over a year and I have been making a concerted effort to try and resolve this since February. I
started this particular call after work as I had an hour and a half to kill before meeting a
friend for coffee. I ended up standing in the office hallway with my bags for
an hour and then having to continue with the call while driving (hands-free) to
meet my friend because if I didn’t get to the end of it there and then, I would end up being trapped in a new one year contract that I didn’t want. Then there was a road
closure right in the middle of town at 5pm on a Friday night… Thankfully I was
so engrossed in the conversation with EE that I hardly noticed the traffic jam
I was stuck in.
After a lovely catch up with my friend, I went home and enjoyed a
take away and DVD with my partner. Then I opened my emails… and there
it was, an email from EE with my name, and therefore my new username spelled
wrong. That was when I hit the roof. I could not understand how the
man I had just spent an hour and a half speak to could have created a misspelt user
name after we had gone over EVERYTHING to
make sure we both had it right, including the spelling of my name. Not only did I
not want to have to call them up yet AGAIN to try and get this corrected but having
been stuck with an old name for years because Orange would not update it when I
legally changed my name, I had visions of having to cancel yet another order and
starting from scratch. I’d rather gouge my own eyes out than go through all
that again!!! (If you are wondering why I have stuck with EE there have been technical
complications too long to explain here.)
That was when ‘tired, anxious, harassed me’ turned into a
raging banshee. I was so enraged I didn’t know what to do with myself. To protect my partner, I left
the room and ended up kicking in the door of my bedside cabinet. When this did
not abate the rage, I decided to go out for a brisk walk up a very long steep
hill and this thankfully helped me calm down (highly recommended for any future outbursts!) We were about to watch another episode of Heros when I spotted some unopened envelopes on the table... Among
them was a new council tax bill. WTF?!!!! Again, weeks of careful planning and
phone calls to make sure the direct debit was all set up to 12 monthly payments starting in April. We
had changed the bank account the direct debits were to come out of and without
notice THEY STOPPED THE PAYMENTS! And here was the brand new bill of 10 higher payments starting in June…
Utterly defeated, I sat on the sofa staring out of the window because
I was crying too much to watch T.V. My partner sat there silently holding me as he didn’t dare open his mouth for fear of setting me off again. I was overwhelmed by this terrible sense of futility; what is the point of me
doing anything? What is the point of my miserable life if everything I try to do
just turns to shit? What is the point of bothering to live in a world where
everyone else is selfish, unreasonable or just plain incompetent? I have visions
of slashing my wrists because I feel so utterly trapped on this ferris wheel of stress, I seem to be completely powerless to
stop it going round in circles or to find a way to get off.
Ok, I know I am 'hormonal' but there is definitely something else going on here. I am a firm believer that life shows us things through events and if something keeps happening, then there must be a reason for it. Yes, I
am ‘hormonally challenged’ so my reactions and feelings are heightened, but if
the process of menopause has a spiritual purpose beyond simple
biology then what is it trying to teach
me? Everything that happened yesterday pushed my stress levels way beyond
what I am currently able to deal with. Of course I would have got stressed and angry even
without the help of my hormones, but last night felt more than that, it felt like a wake-up call that menopause
is literally screaming in my face.
The feeling of futility comes from knowing I am being pushed to change something but I can't for the life of me work out what or how. I am scared that if I walk away
from this job, instead of feeling relief and pleased that I have taken care of
myself, I will end up feeling like a complete failure and doubtful that I can do
any work. I am scared that if I don’t
manage to sort out this God forsaken EE issue, then I will end up with no internet options left and that will make my life even more difficult. In other words, I can't deal with the way things are but I feel frozen by a
fear that whatever I do to try and resolve it will only make matters worse.
Right now I do not know the answer but I do feel a lot better
for having written it all down. I have the house to myself today and absolutely
nothing planned so I think I will get lost in some painting (something I have
recently taken up again) and maybe some dancing and maybe even a walk…
Today I am choosing to trust that clarity will come in time.
