Today I am having
to force myself to write, not because I don’t want to but because I am
feeling so lethargic and defeated by a strange depression that doing anything
at all feels like wading through treacle. But I want to write because I know it
will make me feel better… so here I am.
I am
beginning to get the impression that menopause is bringing up lots of stuff
from my childhood – stuff I thought I’d dealt with long ago. I had another rage
attack on Saturday, triggered this time by more of the seemingly 'never ending internet
hell' followed by two days of people parking their cars in my parking space.
We have an
ongoing issue with visitors parking in our spaces where I live, but it hasn’t
happened to me for months. Then, on the day of ‘YMIH’ (Yet More Internet Hassle)
someone decides to park in my space while I was out in the morning and
then not leave until after I had gone to bed. The next morning I hadn’t even had a chance to move
my car before some other f**ker had moved into my spot and then
stayed for most of the day. Arrrrgh! I had to really talk myself down from going out and
vandalising their car – instead I went berserk in the flat and ended up hurting
my fingers. Why the hell is all this happening at a time when I am so completely incapable of dealing with it? It really feels like the Universe is conspiring
against me right now and it makes me wonder what
is it I am not getting?
While reflecting
upon all this frustrating ridiculousness, it has occurred to me that I haven’t felt this
enraged since I was 7 years old. At that time I was in a permanent state of
impotent rage because my step mother, who I was unfortunately forced to live
with, absolutely delighted in controlling, harassing, and humiliating me on a
daily basis. Perhaps I have been experiencing the same feelings of utter powerlessness because
in both situations it seemed like there was absolutely
nothing I could do to prevent the relentless stress.
Feeling this
impotent rage again is really freaking me out because it really doesn’t reflect
the person I am today. Not only is my life generally very good, but I know that
I am no longer a powerless child whose only recourse is to smash something in a
rage when I get stressed by something. But these days, when I get triggered by any continued
stress that’s exactly how it feels.
It is as if something deeply primal and instinctive takes over and if I find I am
unable to protect myself by resolving the stress fairly quickly, then I am overcome
with the desire to destroy whatever is causing it or to ‘kill myself’ in
frustration and despair. (Don’t worry, these suicidal thoughts are more of an
overly dramatic mental loop than a feeling that I would actually ever act
upon.) It seems to me that the hormonal fluctuations and imbalances caused by
the menopause are simultaneously amplifying my natural reactions while pushing
my stress tolerance level down so far that I find myself in cave woman ‘fight
or flight’ mode far too readily.
The question
has always been – is it ‘just’ the hormones? My answer to that is I really don’t
think it is. Yes, the hormonal fluctuations are making it much harder for me to
manage my emotional reactions and are apparently creating my primal ‘wild’ self to
surface but there is always an external stimuli which triggers it – even if it
is an apparent over-reaction to circumstances, my rage definitely doesn’t come out of
nowhere. I’d even argue that my menopausal lack of tolerance for putting
up with crap from other people somehow feels more authentic, the only problem is I still
have to find a way to function in the world outside and I really can’t go
around smashing up people’s cars!
Perhaps more to the point, I wonder how much of this
is simply the huge reservoirs of frustrated childhood rage bubbling to the surface? It seems to
me that the menopause is pushing the darker, hidden aspects of my psyche to the
surface while simultaneously reducing my usual capacity to handle it – a bit
like going on a dodgy group therapy weekend and having everything stirred with
no place to properly process, resolve or release the feelings after the event. (Yes, I have unfortunately been there.)
As I write
this, I am wondering if perhaps this is a good time to re-enter therapy, especially
as last year I finally completely broke contact with my family. Maybe the
timing is absolutely perfect – the menopause is literally forcing me to deal
with this stuff on a deeper level by holding me hostage with mood swings and
self-defeating mental loops that are challenging me on an almost daily basis. Maybe
I need to stop ignoring and overriding my feelings so that they build
up into a volcanic eruption. Maybe I need to separate the stuff I can change
from the stuff that I can’t; to try and deal with life directly instead of ignoring
the stuff I am afraid of (i.e. leaving a job that is too stressful)
and driving myself bonkers by focussing all my agitated attention on things I really
am completely powerless over (i.e. telecommunications companies and selfish
drivers).
* * *
I started
writing this post a couple of days ago and since then have finally sent the
difficult email to the person I was working for. The end result was a polite
email exchange where we both expressed the belief that it would be better if we
ended the arrangement. After receiving the reply this morning, the relief is
slowly beginning to sink in…
I also had
fun the other day scrawling ‘Private! No Parking!’ in thick black marker pen on a
large ceramic flower pot which now lives in the middle of my parking space
while I am out.
Woe betide anyone who decides to move
it!!
Goddess Blessings ♥
