Seeing the Wood for the Trees

Well, it has been quite a while! I have been meaning to write but other things have been taking up my time and energy, which is a good thing because I have just enjoyed almost an entire month without major incident! My mood has really lifted and evened out and this has been a HUGE relief…

I seemed to reach a crisis point a few weeks ago and though I had managed to reduce my intense rages by taking Chinese Angelica, I was still feeling very depressed and anxious, especially on waking in the morning. I was so very close to going to the doctor’s for some HRT but really wanted to try and help myself as naturally as possible. So I decided to take some action; I went back to see my counsellor, agreed with my partner that he give me more space at home and started taking 0.5ml of Black Cohosh twice a day. I also started a (back dated) mood diary of the last few months so I could identify any patterns and the potential effects of herbs, hormones and the lunar cycles more easily.

I started the counselling right at the beginning of my last cycle. On the first session I had a good vent about everything that was bothering me, but I was still very much 'in it'. Around this time my partner had realised that our relationship was in serious jeopardy so he started to give me regular space to be alone and this also took some of the pressure off. But the most noticeable shift in my mood came when I started taking the Black Cohosh about a week into my cycle – the depression and anxiety lifted noticeably for the first time in a few months and amazingly, it stayed that way for the rest of my cycle – I didn’t even have any major premenstrual mood swings. What is really interesting is that when my partner suffered a couple of moody days, for the first time in months I was able to avoid over-reacting to him. Instead of feed-backing off each other and getting into a huge row, I was able to show my upset in a calm way and then take my space until he was ready to re-engage emotionally. This really is major progress!

My conclusion in all this is that I have definitely been struggling with a chemical/hormonal imbalance that has been severely affecting my mood, even to the point of making me feel suicidal. When I was ‘in it’ it was incredibly hard for me to really see this or to believe that hormones could be having such a huge effect on me; I really wasn’t convinced that there wasn’t some other terrible threat that was causing me to feel the way I felt. Looking at my mood diary entries, it is absolutely clear that the Black Cohosh has been the main factor in stabilising my moods, so I am putting my mood swings down to ‘hormones’ with ‘other factors’ having exacerbated things. To my great relief, my mental clarity also returned when my mood lifted so I was able to get on with other things – hence a welcome break from the 'blog of insanity'! 

If I wasn’t already completely convinced, I became so when I stopped taking the herb for a short break on the first day of my period and the next day my ‘morning anxiety’ returned with a vengeance. I think it is important to take a few days off all the herbs but I will definitely be going back on them tomorrow. (FYI, I also stopped taking Agnus Castus last cycle as I had been on it for over three years and my period didn’t suddenly arrive ridiculously early as I feared it would. Perhaps the Chinese Angelica and Black Cohosh are helping keep things regular…)

Despite my conclusion that I have been suffering a ‘hormonal imbalance’, there are clearly other issues that needed to be resolved and I am really glad I returned to counselling so I could start to address them. As long as I was ‘under the influence’ there really was no way out because no matter what I did, I could never seem to find my inner balance – not even sitting alone in nature which always usually works for me. I honestly believe if I hadn’t managed to get a handle on the hormonal imbalance, I would still be going around in circles in counselling trying to get relief from some other perceived threat. Thankfully, the Black Cohosh did work and as soon as the anxiety and depression lifted, it became much easier to see things clearly and to start to figure other things out. Yay!! :)

   

Goddess Blessings ♥

Sex, Herbs & Wedding Nights

I recently started taking Chinese Angelica to increase my libido but up until now I have been taking a low dose for fear of the herb triggering an early period. I definitely noticed a gentle increase of sexual energy a week after I started taking it, but think I would need a higher dose to get the desired effect longer term. I am aiming to gradually work towards the right level for me, one which will increase my sexual desire without increasing the severity or frequency of menstrual bleeding.

My period is due the end of this week so, after last month's ‘phantom period’ experience, I have decided to increase my dosage of Chinese Angelica from 0.5mls to 1.0ml per day to hopefully help bring it on. If it turns into another ‘phantom period’, (pain but no bleeding,) I will further increase the dose as it worked really well last time. I am aware that at some point the bleeds will cease regardless of any herbs I take and it feels to me like this is going to happen soon. I have made my peace with this (I think!) and in some ways am even quite excited about experiencing the next phase of my menopausal journey. However, I would of course rather not go through any more discomfort than necessary during this transition phase and I believe herbs are the best option for keeping my periods as regular as possible for as long as possible.

Over all, my libido has been very up and down the past few months. There have been a few occasions when it felt like I could set the world on fire and other times where no matter what I did, I couldn’t even muster a tiny muffled spark - but I guess it would be fair to say that most of the time I have just been feeling sort of ambivalent. I first noticed my libido take a sudden, unexpected nose dive last autumn (2015). Because my partner was away at the time, I didn’t pay it too much attention until I was pleasantly surprised by a surge of sexual feelings when I started taking St John’s Wort for something else. (I didn’t even know that it could have that effect until my suspicion was confirmed online.)

Once I realised that herbs really could really increase my sex drive, I did some research and decided to start taking Maca as well. (It is also reputed to be very good for general menopausal symptoms.) I noticed a similar surge in sexual energy when I first started taking it but, as with the St John’s Wort, after the initial rush, it evened out fairly quickly to something just about ‘normal’. When I went to visit my partner over Christmas, I didn’t take the St John’s Wort or Maca with me and was really shocked and disappointed by how quickly my libido was snuffed out. (I didn’t want to take my entire arsenal of pills and tinctures – there would have been no room left in my 'carry on case' for clothes!)

Once I returned home and was back on both herbs, I then had to stop taking the St John’s Wort as I started suffering anxiety and vivid, not very pleasant dreams. I wasn’t 100% sure this was the cause, but from what I have read it certainly seemed possible so I thought it best to stop and see if it helped. (I think that it has helped, though I have discovered that some of this may well have been caused by the menopause.) I also changed over from very expensive Maca capsules to a cheaper powder and unfortunately having to actually eat the Maca has caused me to reduce the dose and therefore the effects. (Menopause is SO bloody expensive!!) So, the reason I have been trying the Chinese Angelica is so I can find a replacement herb that is affordable and doesn’t give me any nasty side effects.

Having experienced going cold turkey from 'libido enhancing' herbs, I realised with great sadness that from now on, I’ll probably need continued help in the sexual department. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I am due to get married for the first time next year. At this stage in our new relationship, the last thing I want is to completely go off sex – I’d like to at least be up for it on my wedding night! If I wasn’t in a relationship I am not sure I’d really care that much because it is hard to miss something you don’t actually have the drive for. But I am in a relationship and my stifled sex drive really is an issue because not only do I want my partner to be happy but I also want to feel free to enjoy the physical side of things with someone I really love.

To be honest I am more than a little bit peeved that my libdo decided to take a nose dive after I met the man of my dreams, especially when I have been single for most of my adult life. Not only did I really want to experience being in a loving, healthy, committed relationship with a man, (something that up until I met my partner seemed completely beyond my reach,) but I also wanted to explore the deeper, potentially spiritual aspects of a sexual union. It is a bit of a bad joke that I have been waiting my whole life for this ‘relational opportunity’ and now it has finally arrived, my body seems to have other ideas!

In addition to calling upon Mother Nature’s ‘herbal help’, I have also had some ideas on how to mentally ‘reframe’ this rather awkward situation into something positive and potentially transformative. I will  be writing more on this later, but for now let’s just say I feel as though I am  ‘hovering’ between two worlds while waiting for my wings to sprout so I can fly off in a new direction...

Goddess Blessings ♥

A Menopausal Wake-Up Call

OMG. Yesterday was the day from hell. Are these ‘mood swings’ for real?! I have never been the most easy-going person in the world, nor the most able to handle stress, but yesterday was truly awful and my emotional reactions went right off the chart.

It all started with another day at the office. I have been feeling really stressed by this particular job and was so anxious about facing the onslaught again that I woke up 2 hours before my alarm and didn’t really manage to get back to sleep. Not a great start as of course lack of sleep makes me feel worse and I have to drink coffee to get my brain to work – something I don’t usually do. I settled down to an hour or so of work by myself and then suddenly found myself having to ‘rush to the loo’ just before my boss was due to arrive. Really not a good sign!

After several hours of feeling like I was causing her a major inconvenience just by being there, I considered doing the grown up thing and talking to her about what was going on. I decided against this as I knew if I opened my mouth I would end up turning into a gibbering, sobbing wreck and I really couldn’t face any more humiliation. I considered walking out several times but even that seemed to be beyond my capabilities so instead I surrendered to being buffered around in someone else’s chaos and reasoned with myself it is only for one day.

Then ‘The Phone Call’. I could write a TRILOGY on my Orange / EE broadband saga but I'm not going to bore you with the details. All I will say is this, I have been having an ongoing issue with my service for over a year and I have been making a concerted effort to try and resolve this since February. I started this particular call after work as I had an hour and a half to kill before meeting a friend for coffee. I ended up standing in the office hallway with my bags for an hour and then having to continue with the call while driving (hands-free) to meet my friend because if I didn’t get to the end of it there and then, I would end up being trapped in a new one year contract that I didn’t want. Then there was a road closure right in the middle of town at 5pm on a Friday night… Thankfully I was so engrossed in the conversation with EE that I hardly noticed the traffic jam I was stuck in.

After a lovely catch up with my friend, I went home and enjoyed a take away and DVD with my partner. Then I opened my emails… and there it was, an email from EE with my name, and therefore my new username spelled wrong. That was when I hit the roof. I could not understand how the man I had just spent an hour and a half speak to could have created a misspelt user name after we had gone over EVERYTHING to make sure we both had it right, including the spelling of my name. Not only did I not want to have to call them up yet AGAIN to try and get this corrected but having been stuck with an old name for years because Orange would not update it when I legally changed my name, I had visions of having to cancel yet another order and starting from scratch. I’d rather gouge my own eyes out than go through all that again!!! (If you are wondering why I have stuck with EE there have been technical complications too long to explain here.)

That was when ‘tired, anxious, harassed me’ turned into a raging banshee. I was so enraged I didn’t know what to do with myself. To protect my partner, I left the room and ended up kicking in the door of my bedside cabinet. When this did not abate the rage, I decided to go out for a brisk walk up a very long steep hill and this thankfully helped me calm down (highly recommended for any future outbursts!) We were about to watch another episode of Heros when I spotted some unopened envelopes on the table... Among them was a new council tax bill. WTF?!!!! Again, weeks of careful planning and phone calls to make sure the direct debit was all set up to 12 monthly payments starting in April. We had changed the bank account the direct debits were to come out of and without notice THEY STOPPED THE PAYMENTS! And here was the brand new bill of 10 higher payments starting in June…

Utterly defeated, I sat on the sofa staring out of the window because I was crying too much to watch T.V. My partner sat there silently holding me as he didn’t dare open his mouth for fear of setting me off again. I was overwhelmed by this terrible sense of futility; what is the point of me doing anything? What is the point of my miserable life if everything I try to do just turns to shit? What is the point of bothering to live in a world where everyone else is selfish, unreasonable or just plain incompetent? I have visions of slashing my wrists because I feel so utterly trapped on this ferris wheel of stress, I seem to be completely powerless to stop it going round in circles or to find a way to get off. 

   

Ok, I know I am 'hormonal' but there is definitely something else going on here. I am a firm believer that life shows us things through events and if something keeps happening, then there must be a reason for it. Yes, I am ‘hormonally challenged’ so my reactions and feelings are heightened, but if the process of menopause has a spiritual purpose beyond simple biology then what is it trying to teach me?  Everything that happened yesterday pushed my stress levels way beyond what I am currently able to deal with. Of course I would have got stressed and angry even without the help of my hormones, but last night felt more than that, it felt like a wake-up call that menopause is literally screaming in my face.

The feeling of futility comes from knowing I am being pushed to change something but I can't for the life of me work out what or how. I am scared that if I walk away from this job, instead of feeling relief and pleased that I have taken care of myself, I will end up feeling like a complete failure and doubtful that I can do any work. I am scared that if I don’t manage to sort out this God forsaken EE issue, then I will end up with no internet options left and that will make my life even more difficult. In other words, I can't deal with the way things are but I feel frozen by a fear that whatever I do to try and resolve it will only make matters worse.

Right now I do not know the answer but I do feel a lot better for having written it all down. I have the house to myself today and absolutely nothing planned so I think I will get lost in some painting (something I have recently taken up again) and maybe some dancing and maybe even a walk…

Today I am choosing to trust that clarity will come in time.

Goddess Blessings ♥

Gaining Some Perspective...

A few weeks ago, when I first started doing research about the uncharacteristic anxiety and dark moods I was experiencing, I considered that it may be something to do with the menopause. Even I found all my symptoms on ‘the list’ but still wasn’t convinced because the feelings I was having seemed too extreme compared to my physical symptoms. I’d always expected that I might experience some hormonal mood swings once I was no longer menstruating or if I started having huge hot flushes during the day, but my physical symptoms really weren’t any different from usual so I couldn’t understand how these challenging feelings could have suddenly become so intense. I had also imagined that any hormonal feelings I might experience would somehow be obvious to me and ‘make sense’ so my overwhelming confusion and cloudy thinking made it seem all the less plausible that my feelings were being caused by the menopause.

Then I had my first missed period - a ‘phantom period’ lasting 5 days which was physically painful and an unexpected emotional roller coaster ride. I couldn’t sleep properly or concentrate on anything and all I wanted to do was run away and hide from the world. A few days later I got my first positive blood test result in 5 years confirming what I already knew to be true – I was ‘perimenopausal’. It was only then that it really hit me – maybe all the emotional stuff I’d been experiencing was related to my menopause after all, it had just came before the next wave of physical changes…   

The problem is no one really talks about the process. Yes, there is a well-documented check list of symptoms, but no one really explains how all these symptoms relate to each or how they might develop and change over time. There is little if any mention of the multitude of different layers to the changes or how these may directly and indirectly impact a woman’s life. In the end, a check list of symptoms and their possible remedies doesn't really help much when you are drowning in a process you don’t fully understand.

   

I also found that most of the online information that I found proudly states that ‘every woman is different’ as if this is somehow supposed to be reassuring. Unfortunately this sentimental vagueness offers no comfort when you are staring down from what can only be described as the precipice of your own demise. Offering this unhelpful platitude while systematically ignoring the depth and breadth of the menopausal process seems like society’s way of saying to women – ‘you are in this on your own – deal with it’. Telling a woman that her menopausal difficulties are ‘uniquely her own’ not only separates her from the reassurance of a common experience but also from the community of womankind which holds the only potential source of genuine support she is ever likely to receive.

When looking at it from a purely medical point of view, if menopausal women are found to be suffering from mood swings, then it makes sense to attribute them to hormones because they are after all the ‘root cause’ of the entire process. However, if we take a step back and look at the menopause from a holistic point of view, it becomes conceivable that perhaps some of that anxiety, depression and rage can be attributed to external causes such as a lack of support in relationships or at work or as a result of feeling rejected and ignored by society – in short, circumstances that have nothing directly to do with the woman or her hormones. It also becomes possible to see that although each women’s journey is unique, ultimately menopause is not an ‘individual experience’ because all women go through it if they live long enough. When we step back far enough it becomes clear that actually the menopause is the final stage of a collective feminine process, a process that quite literally makes the world go round! All women play a role in this human expression of the Divine Feminine and the collective patterns that are forged over time don’t just affect women, they affect everyone including children and men.

When you look at it this way, menopause transforms from a ‘private medical matter’ into an important step in the cosmic dance of life, a step that should be explored, embraced and perhaps even celebrated. But when these deeper emotional and spiritual layers of the menopause are denied or ignored by society, this empowering vision remains hidden from women’s view like a valuable treasure map buried in the sand. This leaves individual women isolated and emotionally vulnerable while going through what is potentially the most challenging Right of Passage they will ever experience.

Menopause does not have to be approached as a list of medical symptoms or as a private, individual experience. We can make a conscious decision to view menopause as the third and final stage of a life-long feminine journey that is deeply connected to our very existence on this planet. When we are prepared to dig a little deeper, menopause becomes so much more that a biological process measured by hormonal fluctuations; the process of menopause has the potential to be experienced as a powerful spiritual awakening that calls into question every single aspect of our beingness; - our sexuality and creativity, our inner emotional landscape, our relationships with others and even our collective position within society.

Over this past week of writing I have become aware of this exciting possibility and in doing so have started to feel infinitely better – not exactly sane – but definitely better! Since deciding to chart my own menopausal course against this newly found map, I no longer feel alone in facing this this wild and scary journey. Not only has meaningful support and sharing with other women suddenly become a genuine possibility but also I have realised that whether I am alone or sharing with other women, I can at any time choose to consciously draw inner strength and guidance directly from the Source of the Divine Feminine.

I am slowly coming to terms that I am likely to be on a roller coaster ride for a while yet and that I need to look at holistic ways to minimise any distress. I can see clearly that this means I not only need to nurture my physical body by taking herbs and supplements, exercising and eating well but also need to explore ways to meet my emotional, sexual /creative, mental and spiritual needs while I go through this life changing transition...  

Goddess Blessings ♥

An Anchor in a Choppy Sea

I feel I need something to anchor myself to, something that will remain a constant while I am going through this process. I am hoping this blog will become that anchor because writing has kept me sane through many other challenging periods in my life and it is something I can do regardless of how I am feeling in the moment that I start to write. This is what I am struggling with most at the moment – feeling I can’t hold a thought or make any solid decisions. My mind is floaty and confused, I have become absent minded, forgetful and at times totally incapable of dealing with any external stress. My feelings are extreme and seem to change every five minutes so it has become impossible to centre myself internally or ground into any sort of reality.

I have been feeling increasingly like this for a couple of months now and have been finding it incredibly frustrating and anxiety producing. Even as I write I am not completely sure this fog is part of my menopause – I have been racking my brains try to figure out ‘what is wrong with me’ while hoping that it would soon pass so that I could ‘get back to normal’.

But somehow it feels as though my life is slipping through my fingers and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. They say ‘if you can’t beat them join them’, so I have turned on some lovely floaty music with water and bird sounds in the background as I write my way along a gentle river. In this moment I have decided to go with the flow of my current experience and see where my thoughts and feelings lead me...

The only problem is, I know that surrendering to this floaty reality requires me to disengage with life ‘out there’, to relinquish all structure, routine and focus and this leaves me feeling very anxious, especially because I recently started working for myself. In January, after my 6 month employment contract came to an end, I planned the new business and started to get the ball rolling. By February I already had some paid freelance work - everything seemed to be unfolding perfectly and moving in the right direction. My partner was still abroad dealing with some family matters and I knew that after 7 months apart, it was going to be a big adjustment for us both when he got home. But what I was not banking on was this sudden and extremely unexpected twist in my menopausal process coinciding with everything else that is going on; the return of my partner, us BOTH setting up new businesses (he left his job to go and care for his dying mother last summer) and us planning our wedding.

At first I thought it was the adjustment process on my partner's return that was making me feel so strange, and I am sure that has played a big part in it, but somewhere along the line I feel I have lost my way and I can’t seem to find the way back. All the things I normally do to centre / ground myself seemed to have stopped working. I have tried to get into some routine but it feels impossible because the inner motivation, focus and determination just aren’t there for me to draw upon. At first I thought it was to do with suddenly being around my partner 24/7 but now he is getting his life together, I am just left sitting there feeling confused and incapable of making or keeping any decisions. How the hell am I supposed to run my own business feeling like this?

The option of getting another job is even less appealing. I feel overwhelmed, confused, anxious, absent minded and at times, extremely anti-social – hardly a good position to apply for or start a new job. The self-employment was supposed to involve working from home with minimal client contact but the work I have got so far involves going to my client’s offices. If I was already in a well-established job that I could just get on with I might feel a little less anxious, but the truth is, my life has never been like that and my usual ‘go getter’ resilience is no longer there carrying me through all the changes and uncertainty of my working life.

So, how do I navigate this conflict between what I need to be doing to ‘earn a living’ and what I feel capable of doing in this woozy-changeable-anxious menopausal state? Right now I mostly don’t feel capable of doing anything, and at times I feel like a mental patient on day release walking around in a daze. In some ways it feels like a blessing that so far I only have committed to 1 – 2 day’s work a week, but then I feel I should be working on drumming up more business on the other days. The guilt, anxiety and frustration soon kick in on my ‘days off’ but without some external commitment keeping me on track, and with lots of things currently distracting me, I just don’t ever seem to be able to get it together.

In addition to this extremely uncharacteristic procrastination, I have also started to feel overwhelmed by one of the freelance jobs which is much more pressured and stressful than I feel comfortable with, even under normal circumstances. Now, with my resistance to stress currently set at ZERO, especially during my recent 'phantom period', I find myself continually contemplating jacking it in.

Right now it feels impossible to find the balance between taking responsibility for meeting my financial and personal well-being needs - it seems I am being forced to choose one over the other. If I decide to focus on work, to try and ‘push through’ this mental fog, I know that I am going to get stressed and emotionally overwhelmed and will almost certainly have to give up at some point anyway. (And this will then make me feel like a failure as well as guilty for letting my client/s down.) If I decide to surrender to this process and only do what I feel capable of doing – which right now is to only deal with very low stress conditions – then I fear I will end up running out of money and / or looking ‘unprofessional’ by turning work down.

It seems to me that there is little room for emotional processes in the world of work and that we are also continually expected to be able to deal with high stress so that we can put food on the table and roofs over our heads. As a highly sensitive person, I have always struggled with this apparent ‘fact of life’ but now my sensitivity has become massively amplified through the menopause, I fear it has rendered me completely unemployable. What I really want is a way to make decent money that does not require me to abandon myself or to have to take medication to become able to tolerate unnecessary stress. I want to be able to work in a way that does not prevent me from taking care of my emotional, spiritual and physical well-being. I want to live my life in a state of balance that enables me to contribute to society without having to relinquish, bury or sacrifice my personal needs...

As a menopausal woman, it seems this deep inner desire has become something I can no longer over-ride or ignore.

Blessings ♥