One Day at a Time

Finally, some head space! My partner has got a job on at the moment that is taking him out of the house and so I have the place all to myself. I also had a couple of days to myself last week and I definitely feel a lot less nuts. FYI I have decided to stop taking Agnus Castus as I have been on it for nearly 3 and a half years, which is a very long time to be taking a herb without a significant break. I am scared that stopping will bring back my 'too frequent' and ‘too long’ periods but am hoping that taking Chinese Angelica instead will keep things in check. All I know is that I am feeling loads calmer at the moment and I am so relieved!

There are so many layers to what is going on for me right now that it is hard to see the wood for the trees. There is of course the menopause and all the hormonal fluctuations that are going on in my body and then there are the other physiological factors to consider such as the herbs I am taking and diet etc. I am also experiencing a rather challenging astrological transit which interestingly began around the time this recent menopause wave started up. (Neptune square Mars – which can be very debilitating and confusing L) Then there are other life circumstances to consider that may be affecting my emotional state such as cutting contact with my family last year and then suffering the most terrible scapegoating in my last job which ultimately ended in my being sacked for not ‘fitting in’. Last, but not least, there has also been a huge adjustment going in my relationship since my partner returned home after being abroad for 7 months while caring for his dying mother... Now we are both trying to start our own businesses and planning our wedding, and all from a tiny one bed flat!

While menopause is clearly exacerbating things, I am really not so sure that a hormone imbalance is the cause of my current difficulties. Judging by my incredible relief at regaining some long periods of uninterrupted alone time, I expect menopause is simply amplifying feelings and making it 10 times harder to deal with issues as they arise. Yes, I sometimes feel totally overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings, but what bothers me more is the lack of clarity that is being caused by the nebulous and complex nature of all the influences that are currently affecting me. I am someone who likes to have a plan and to at least understand what I am up against and this all just feels totally out of my control. The minute I try to pin something down – a solution or even just an approach to finding one – it all just seems to slip through my fingers again. Deep down I know that even taking the right herbs and eating the right foods isn't going to be the magic solution for me right now because I know in my heart that I am going through some kind of 'soul transition'.  

All I seem to be able to do with any certainty right now is keep getting up in the morning, keep ‘doing what needs to be done’ on any given day and keep writing this blog... 

Maybe this isn’t the right time to try and plan my Next Big Move or to identify my ‘true calling’ in life or to try to push forward with a new business and maybe that is perfectly OK. 

Maybe the Goddess has sent both menopause and Neptune to try and get me to slow down and I just need to stop panicking that if I do, I am going to fall off the edge of my life and never be able to get back on it again. 

Maybe this is the right time for me to withdraw so that I can experience another deeper layer of healing and yet another re-birthing. 

Maybe, just maybe, there is absolutely nothing wrong except my almost pathological resistance to letting go!  

Just for today I will trust the flow of life and allow it to lead me to where ever I need to go…

Goddess Blessings ♥

Sex, Herbs & Wedding Nights

I recently started taking Chinese Angelica to increase my libido but up until now I have been taking a low dose for fear of the herb triggering an early period. I definitely noticed a gentle increase of sexual energy a week after I started taking it, but think I would need a higher dose to get the desired effect longer term. I am aiming to gradually work towards the right level for me, one which will increase my sexual desire without increasing the severity or frequency of menstrual bleeding.

My period is due the end of this week so, after last month's ‘phantom period’ experience, I have decided to increase my dosage of Chinese Angelica from 0.5mls to 1.0ml per day to hopefully help bring it on. If it turns into another ‘phantom period’, (pain but no bleeding,) I will further increase the dose as it worked really well last time. I am aware that at some point the bleeds will cease regardless of any herbs I take and it feels to me like this is going to happen soon. I have made my peace with this (I think!) and in some ways am even quite excited about experiencing the next phase of my menopausal journey. However, I would of course rather not go through any more discomfort than necessary during this transition phase and I believe herbs are the best option for keeping my periods as regular as possible for as long as possible.

Over all, my libido has been very up and down the past few months. There have been a few occasions when it felt like I could set the world on fire and other times where no matter what I did, I couldn’t even muster a tiny muffled spark - but I guess it would be fair to say that most of the time I have just been feeling sort of ambivalent. I first noticed my libido take a sudden, unexpected nose dive last autumn (2015). Because my partner was away at the time, I didn’t pay it too much attention until I was pleasantly surprised by a surge of sexual feelings when I started taking St John’s Wort for something else. (I didn’t even know that it could have that effect until my suspicion was confirmed online.)

Once I realised that herbs really could really increase my sex drive, I did some research and decided to start taking Maca as well. (It is also reputed to be very good for general menopausal symptoms.) I noticed a similar surge in sexual energy when I first started taking it but, as with the St John’s Wort, after the initial rush, it evened out fairly quickly to something just about ‘normal’. When I went to visit my partner over Christmas, I didn’t take the St John’s Wort or Maca with me and was really shocked and disappointed by how quickly my libido was snuffed out. (I didn’t want to take my entire arsenal of pills and tinctures – there would have been no room left in my 'carry on case' for clothes!)

Once I returned home and was back on both herbs, I then had to stop taking the St John’s Wort as I started suffering anxiety and vivid, not very pleasant dreams. I wasn’t 100% sure this was the cause, but from what I have read it certainly seemed possible so I thought it best to stop and see if it helped. (I think that it has helped, though I have discovered that some of this may well have been caused by the menopause.) I also changed over from very expensive Maca capsules to a cheaper powder and unfortunately having to actually eat the Maca has caused me to reduce the dose and therefore the effects. (Menopause is SO bloody expensive!!) So, the reason I have been trying the Chinese Angelica is so I can find a replacement herb that is affordable and doesn’t give me any nasty side effects.

Having experienced going cold turkey from 'libido enhancing' herbs, I realised with great sadness that from now on, I’ll probably need continued help in the sexual department. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I am due to get married for the first time next year. At this stage in our new relationship, the last thing I want is to completely go off sex – I’d like to at least be up for it on my wedding night! If I wasn’t in a relationship I am not sure I’d really care that much because it is hard to miss something you don’t actually have the drive for. But I am in a relationship and my stifled sex drive really is an issue because not only do I want my partner to be happy but I also want to feel free to enjoy the physical side of things with someone I really love.

To be honest I am more than a little bit peeved that my libdo decided to take a nose dive after I met the man of my dreams, especially when I have been single for most of my adult life. Not only did I really want to experience being in a loving, healthy, committed relationship with a man, (something that up until I met my partner seemed completely beyond my reach,) but I also wanted to explore the deeper, potentially spiritual aspects of a sexual union. It is a bit of a bad joke that I have been waiting my whole life for this ‘relational opportunity’ and now it has finally arrived, my body seems to have other ideas!

In addition to calling upon Mother Nature’s ‘herbal help’, I have also had some ideas on how to mentally ‘reframe’ this rather awkward situation into something positive and potentially transformative. I will  be writing more on this later, but for now let’s just say I feel as though I am  ‘hovering’ between two worlds while waiting for my wings to sprout so I can fly off in a new direction...

Goddess Blessings ♥

Good News Tuesday!

Some good news today… After a roller coaster couple of days, things seem to have calmed down again. Friday was anxiety central followed by a raging homicidal fury. Saturday was a heavy, hopeless blanket of depression followed by wailing tears at bedtime. Thankfully, Sunday was a lot more relaxed…

So, the good news? Well, over the last couple of days I have started to notice my sexual desire rising again. (Yay!!!) Is this perhaps the Chinese Angelica (Dong Quai) beginning to kick in? After my last (very late) moon-time had finished I started to take 0.5 mils along with my Agnus Castus and Sage in the morning. It feels like a pretty potent herb to me, so I decided to err on the side of caution in terms of dosage as I didn’t want to trigger any additional bleeding. I had been taking it for about week when the feelings sort of crept up on me and culminated in an unplanned trip to sex shop with my fella… I found myself getting into a conversation about menopause with the two twenty-something female sales assistants which was rather interesting!

Not sure if this recently increased libido is all part of the ebb and flow if the hormonal madness, but I have definitely felt more sexual and also significantly more emotionally balanced since Sunday. I expect it is probably way too early to tell what, if any effects the new herb are having, but I will keep you posted with any further developments.

The other good news is that I got engaged today! Not really menopause related news, except I thought you may want to know that there is hope for all of us wild menopausal women… Thankfully my partner is a Cancerian so he probably gets the whole mood swing thing better than most men. (Cancerians are ruled by the moon which also makes him very caring and affectionate when he is not being an irrational loony tune himself!)

Most importantly, despite all my recent madness he hasn’t been put off marrying me so whatever else may be going awry in my life, all is definitely not lost...

Goddess Blessings ♥

Friday Morning Surprise!

Well, what was a surprise! After taking Chinese Angelica (Don Quai) tincture twice, my moon time arrived this morning, seemingly out of the blue. Last week’s painful ‘phantom period’ lasted about 5 days – the usual length of my moon time and all symptoms were abating so I assumed ‘the moon moment’ had passed. I saw a friend on Wednesday who suggested the Angelica for helping to stimulate my libido, and it seems like it may have stimulated my flow too!

   

I just did some (further) research on the herb and found a very interesting article: ‘Angelica has a powerful action over a woman's reproductive system. American and European Angelica were used by colonial women to promote menstruation and to terminate pregnancy. Susun Weed (sic), a noted herbalist, says that Angelica will bring on delayed menstruation 60% of the time, if menstruation is no more than two weeks over due.’

All I can say is WOW. I have found all the herbs I have used so far to be effective at managing my symptoms, but I really do find this quite amazing. I knew the herb was also generally highly rated for menopause and regulating the hormones but I didn’t expect such a dramatic, fast working response. I used about 2mls of tincture on Wednesday night, 2mls on Thursday morning and was intending to continue this dose every morning until my next moon time started - I certainly didn’t recon on it being Friday morning! (It isn’t recommended to take it when you’re bleeding as it can make it heavier – I am also concerned that it might make the bleed last longer.)

So, the end result of this little experiment is that I will wait until my moon time has stopped before re-commencing and lower the dose a bit as it seems pretty pokey stuff. I will report back later when I have more info on how it affects my libido…

While we are on the subject of herbal remedies, I want to start exploring the really strange emotional state I have been experiencing of late. I have already mentioned that I am not entirely sure everything I have been experiencing is being directly caused by the menopause. Among other things, I have been wondering if some of it has been caused by a negative reaction to taking St John’s Wort. It has been really hard to figure out exactly what is going and I imagine I will need a while to look at it more deeply. So I will continue writing for now and share it on on the next post. 

Goddess Blessings ♥