Today, a second pregnancy test has confirmed that I am currently experiencing my first menopausal 'missed period'. I feel deeply shocked, partly by the disappearance of my monthly moon time but mostly by my
reaction to it. And I am surprised that I am shocked, because I have been very obviously peri-menopausal for 5+ years and up until this past week have felt totally okay with it.
But suddenly I am really
not okay with it.
Suddenly I have started to feel this overwhelming grief and deep confusion at the prospect of entering the 'crone' stage of my life at the tender age of 45.
Suddenly I find myself lamenting where the hell has my life, my youth and my health gone?!
Suddenly I find myself questioning my very existence and wondering what it has all been for...
It feels as though my life has come to a screeching, unexpected halt and I no longer have the energy or desire to figure things out or to get back on board whatever used to propel me forward in life. When the thought of doing something interesting comes to me, something that would have previously fired me up with passion and enthusiasm, I find that I immediately toss the thought aside while telling myself there really is NO POINT because whatever I start I am probably only going to abandon in a few hours, days or week's time.
Seeing as I am a writer and have loved keeping a journal for years I thought one project I am likely (hopefully!) to stick with is a blog about this process I am going through. Interestingly, when the idea came to me I didn't experience the usual treacly thick inner resistance. It came to me three days ago after I took the first pregnancy test (the day after my period was due) and found it was 'negative'. I reasoned that it maybe too early to tell for sure and decided to re-test in three days time, as suggested in the instructions. But the terrifying seed of doubt was already planted - '
you mean this might actually be it?' I felt compelled to start the blog straight away but decided it would only end up being yet another 'unfinished project' if in three days time I tested positive and I didn't want to do that to myself so I decided to wait.
But I really did go into some kind of shock that day. I had been wondering for a couple of weeks if my wild hormonal symptoms were due to pregnancy and for some reason it hadn't even occurred to me that it was menopause that was causing it. I knew the menopause messes with your periods - I'd only last month suffered an abnormally long bleed and have also been taking herbs to regulate my cycle for over three years. (I use
Agnus Castus which has been highly effective at stopping my periods arriving massively early.) Of course I also knew menopause usually causes missed or delayed periods as the process tapers down to a halt, something I had even witnessed my older sister experiencing. But what I really and truly
didn't expect was that a menopausal missed period
could feel like the 'phantom period' I'd experienced in early pregnancy, I just assumed nothing would happen! I also didn't expect that when this final menopausal stage kicked in for me it would be when I have finally met the right man after years of dodgy relationships and we were in the middle planning our wedding and new life together.
* * *
As I write this I am beginning to see I have been in some sort of weird menopausal denial, probably caused by the fact that I don't have any children. I only ever got pregnant once 16 years ago and that ended in a 'missed miscarriage' (I had to have a D&C to remove the placenta) and a very messy break-up. I was constantly re-assured by everyone I still had plenty of time for children, I was after all only 29, but despite having unprotected sex with partners since then, I have never once had another positive pregnancy test. I did, however, have many 'phantom pregnancies' where I experienced the same symptoms I had when pregnant but then always ended up bleeding. To this day I do not know if I was miscarrying very early or was just in a weird emotional battle with my body because on some level I was pining to see a pregnancy through to birth.
To add to the menopausal confusion, I am not sure I even really want children. It's been very difficult to get my head around what I can only assume must be a severe case of biology vs common sense. I love kids but I can't imagine having the strength to deal with a baby feeling the way I do these days, physically
or emotionally. I honestly don't know how I'd cope, with endless sleepless nights, picking up / carrying a child with a bad back ( two prolapsed discs), or the noise and constant demands on my time and energy, even with a loving partner I know would support and stand by me.
Despite this, I know in my heart if I'd discovered I was pregnant, I'd have been over the moon so it is with great sadness that I'd like to acknowledge this momentous day as the beginning of the end of my fertility...
* * *
By writing my thoughts and feelings down today, I have already gained some much needed clarity and emotional relief. I hope writing this blog will continue to help me process the demanding emotional and spiritual challenges of this powerful life transition and that sharing it will offer other women some comfort and insight on their own menopausal journey.
Goddess Blessings
♥
