Finally, some head space! My partner has got a job on at the moment
that is taking him out of the house and so I have the place all to myself. I also had a
couple of days to myself last week and I definitely feel a lot less nuts. FYI I have decided to stop taking Agnus Castus as I have been on it for nearly 3
and a half years, which is a very long time to be taking a herb without a significant
break. I am scared that stopping will bring back my 'too frequent' and ‘too long’ periods
but am hoping that taking Chinese Angelica instead will keep things in check. All I know is that I am feeling loads calmer at the moment and I am so
relieved!
There are so many layers to what is going on for me right
now that it is hard to see the wood for the trees. There is of course the menopause and all the hormonal fluctuations that are going on in my body and then there
are the other physiological factors to consider such as the herbs I am taking and diet etc. I am also experiencing a rather challenging astrological transit which interestingly began around the time this
recent menopause wave started up. (Neptune square Mars – which can be very debilitating
and confusing L) Then
there are other life circumstances to consider that may be affecting my emotional state such as cutting contact with my family last year and then suffering the most terrible scapegoating in my last job which ultimately
ended in my being sacked for not ‘fitting in’. Last, but not least, there has also been a huge
adjustment going in my relationship since my partner returned home after
being abroad for 7 months while caring for his dying mother... Now we are both
trying to start our own businesses and planning our wedding, and all from a tiny one bed flat!
While menopause is clearly exacerbating things, I am really not so sure that a hormone imbalance is the cause of my current difficulties. Judging by my incredible relief at regaining some long periods of uninterrupted alone time, I expect menopause
is simply amplifying feelings and making it 10 times harder to deal with issues
as they arise. Yes, I sometimes feel totally overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings, but what bothers me more is the lack of clarity that is
being caused by the nebulous and complex nature of all the influences that are currently affecting
me. I am someone who likes to have a plan and to at least understand what I am up
against and this all just feels totally out of my control. The minute I try to
pin something down – a solution or even just an approach to finding one – it all
just seems to slip through my fingers again. Deep down I know that even taking the right herbs and eating the right foods isn't going to be the magic solution for me right now because I know in my heart that I am going through some kind of 'soul transition'.
All I seem to be able to do with any certainty right now is keep getting
up in the morning, keep ‘doing what needs to be done’ on any given day and keep writing this blog...
Maybe this isn’t the right time to
try and plan my Next Big Move or to identify my ‘true calling’ in life or to
try to push forward with a new business and
maybe that is perfectly OK.
Maybe the Goddess has sent both menopause and
Neptune to try and get me to slow down
and I just need to stop panicking that if I do, I am going to fall off the
edge of my life and never be able to get back on it again.
Maybe this is the right time for me to withdraw so that I can
experience another deeper layer of healing and yet another re-birthing.
Maybe, just maybe,
there is absolutely nothing wrong except
my almost pathological resistance to letting go!
Just for today I
will trust the flow of life and allow it to lead me to where ever I need to go…
Goddess Blessings ♥
