Just for Today...

Today I have hit a wall and am finding it so hard to even write this. I still can’t believe that this is hormonally triggered, it is just so extreme. Today after several days of waking with weird dreams – not really disturbing but just emotionally triggering, I have been left feeling disassociated from my body. I had a pelvic scan this morning which went well but to be honest I hardly even noticed that I went, I have been feeling so split off from myself and the world. I decided rather than going straight home I should go for a walk in a riverside park as I find nature usually sorts me out. Instead I found myself sitting by these beautiful rocks just as split off from my body as I had been at home. I found I couldn’t move or really cry – another thing that usually brings relief. I was massively bothered by people walking by and felt uneasy about going home as I partner was there and I just want to be alone. When I got up and pushed myself to walk more vigorously, I found my mood lifting a little but still no real relief.

I really don’t know what is wrong with me. I have so much to be grateful for and nothing major stressing me out, perhaps for the first time in my life. I wonder if now that things are quiet this is a delayed reaction to my past or if I feel like this because there is something ‘wrong’ that I am not seeing. I am normally a woman of dynamic action but I have absolutely no motivation to do anything and if I try to figure things out I find my head going round and around in circles which sends me deeper into despair as I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know whether to try to ‘push through’ this or to gently ‘sit with it’. If I could be sure what ‘it’ was, then perhaps I’d know what to do; if this is grief then I know I just need to make space for feeling it. If it is hormones or related chemical imbalance then perhaps I need to take a more pragmatic approach and take action… What really scares me is the worry that this is the ‘real me’; now all distractions and stresses have been removed maybe this is how I really feel about myself and about life.   

It feels like a really bad drug / addiction withdrawal and I wonder if this is what it is. I read on one website (I think it was A Vogel) that menopause is in fact a ‘drug’ withdrawal – the drug being oestrogen. We have been reliant on the chemical oestrogen our whole lives and now our bodies have to become accustomed to functioning without it. This makes perfect sense to me. I have also suffered from love addiction and wonder if my cutting ties from my abusive family has sent me into a different kind of withdrawal, especially as I have spent many years trying to resolve things with them.

OK – this writing is definitely helping. Strangely, writing for an audience helps the processing because if I write in my journal in this head space I just seem to spiral down. At least this way I have to be more precise and not allow myself to get sucked into my negativity because no one would want to read that! I said right at the beginning that I wanted this blog to be an anchor and even when I desperately want to isolate and avoid, as soon as I start typing the negativity starts to lose its grip.

My conclusion today is that I am experiencing withdrawal, possibly even from two things – oestrogen and also to unhealthy attachments that have dominated my life. It is no wonder that I am feeling wobbly, confused and split off – my mind, heart and my body have some major adjusting to do.

So, just for today, I am going to stop trying to ‘figure it out’. I will neither sit there staring into space nor pick up the axe and start trying to chop my way through the dead wood. I don’t have to be Super Woman but neither should I sit here and wallow in my negativity. I am going to write a list of simple things I can do when I feel like a trapped rabbit drowning in her burrow. This is a list of things I know have worked in the past all of which I can try and see which works in the moment:

1. Write my blog – that is what it is for!

2. Go for a walk in nature – get away from people and the city if I can

3. If my back feels up to it – walk up a big hill or try a bit of running

4. Do some mundane physical or administrative chores

5. Dance to loud music or listen to relaxing music to calm my mind

6. Sit by a bubbling stream, weir,  waterfall or waves – anywhere the water makes sound

7. Write a gratitude list (I may even start a gratitude diary again…)

8. Give my partner a hug and allow myself to cry if tears come

9. Call or meet up with a friend for coffee

10. Create some routine / structure / small achievable goals – I don’t have passion motivating me right now so I need to rely more on structure and routine to keep me moving forward, especially as I do not have a full time job at the moment.

I’d love to hear if anyone else has any other suggestions – please feel free to share what works for you…

Goddess Blessings ♥

Cracking Open the Floodgates

I feel really sad and fragile today. Sometimes it’s hard to know what is ‘menopause’ and what is just the ebb and flow of life... but I expect it is all connected because I can’t see how to separate myself or different parts of my life from this huge process I am in.

Thankfully my period came and went without incident. I really think the Chinese Angelica is helping to regulate my cycle as well as increasing my libido to a more acceptable level. I have also noticed that the intense rages have subsided; despite feeling immense grief today, I feel my moods have definitely evened out over the past couple of weeks and even my partner has noticed too… So a big thumbs up to Angelica!

I was almost feeling normal again but over the last 3 days or so I have been having unpleasant dreams that have left me feeling really empty and sad. The more I reflect upon my menopausal experience, the more I notice that this process seems to be causing things that are buried deep in my psyche to bubble to the surface, often though my dreams. Every time this happens, I wake feeling awful even though I am mostly re-experiencing something that is predominantly in the past.

I guess any healing process is multi-layered and I shouldn't be surprised that grief should surface at this time in my life. Not only are the hormones making it harder for me to keep any feelings I do have under control but also menopause itself is a time of ‘letting go’ and of potentially grieving one’s youth. I didn’t have a very happy youth so for me it is less about grieving what was and more about grieving what will never be.

Last year I cut ties with my family and it has recently started to cause me anguish. This is partly because I am no longer fighting to try and resolve things, so all I have left is the loss that has dominated my entire life. But also, since getting engaged and starting to plan my wedding without them, it suddenly all feels so real and so final. Rather than simply feeling happy that I am finally free of all the pain they caused me and that I am starting a new life with a man who really knows how to love, all I can feel right now is immense grief at the sheer enormity of my loss. Add that to all the other childhood feelings that are surfacing and it has started to feel quite overwhelming. The grief and feelings of rejection have started to make me question my decision to break contact and to doubt that I have done the ‘right’ thing. Thankfully, as soon as I cast my mind back to what it was like to be ‘in there’ with them, I am quite sure that not only is living with this grief so much better, but it also perfectly natural given the circumstances.

It seems that an entire life’s worth of ‘letting go’ and grieving is converging at this profound moment in my life. As menopause cracks open the floodgates of my lamenting soul, I pray that I will find the courage to feel and release these layers grief that I have been carrying around with me most of my life. 

As I stand and face these waves, I pray that I find the strength to allow them to wash away the past and everything that has held me back in life. 

Goddess Blessings ♥

On Becoming Invisible to Men

Today I received the following comment from a reader: 'The point for me is not so much about the libido, but rather that I feel that no men will ever look at me as I passed the threshold of becoming invisible. Anyone experiencing this?'  'SC'

Thanks for your question 'SC' - it is a really good topic for discussion! I started to write a reply in the comments section but then I realised I had so much to say about it I should make it into a new post. If anyone has anything to add, please post it directly on the blog (rather than in a closed FB group) so that 'SC' also has a chance to read your reply, or email me and I will post it for you.

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I know lots of women who have expressed huge fears and feelings of loss when they notice that men no longer look at them the same way they used to. I also went through this painful experience a few years ago...

When I was 38 I lost a lot of weight and made an effort to be attractive as I was actively dating and looking for a relationship. I felt really good about myself and was amazed to be attracting really young men, even a guy who turned out to be 19 and who thought I was really hot! (I met him at a party and we kissed outside under the moonlight - I felt SO validated and powerful...) Shortly after this, I ended up in a relationship with a 24 year old. Looking back, I feel like that was the absolute peak of my sexual confidence.

Unfortunately, as you'd expect with any 'peak' in life, it has been down hill ever since! When I got back into the dating game just a few short years later, (in my early 40s), I noticed a definite decrease in the level of interest I got from men and often felt depressed by it. However, this unpleasant 'come down' also had a lot to do with how I felt about my attractiveness at the time; my health hadn't been good for a while and consequently the weight had all piled back on, plus a bit more. Add that to my feeling generally very old, stiff and physically limited because of my back problems - I felt I was a million miles from being anyone's hot date...

Over the past 5 (menopausal) years I have found it harder and harder to shift any weight and even harder to keep it off. Frequent attempts to lose weight and to re-gain my lost sexual confidence has meant my weight has yo-yoed constantly and my feelings about my attractiveness have yo-yoed right along with it. I suppose for me, feeling 'invisible' has ultimately had more to do with how I feel about myself because I know from experience that when I am feeling attractive and sexy, men notice me more - whatever age I happen to be.

Unfortunately, and to my great annoyance and constant distress, my feelings of attractiveness have a direct correlation to my weight - I just can't seem to feel attractive when I am overweight, I feel disgusted with my body and just want to hide it. At those times I want to be invisible because I feel so ugly but then I end up hating myself for not making more of an effort to look nice as well as for not 'getting on top of' my weight. It makes me feel really sad writing all this down and to be honest I am genuinely surprised by all the apparent self hatred that has poured out of me - this is the mental anguish I never really share with anyone. Once again, it seems that menopause is only really amplifying something that has always been lurking beneath the surface - I have always felt this 'fat shame' but menopause is making it so much harder to control my weight, so I feel my days of ever being 'attractive' again (i.e. slim) are well and truly over.

Despite all this, 18 months ago I met a man who finds me very attractive and wants to marry me, so I have been trying really hard not drive myself (and him) mad with these feelings of self loathing. In the end, if I have a loving partner, so why should it even matter whether I still look 25 or whether other men still look at me? The sad truth is I am far more worried about the whole 'buying a wedding dress thing' because I know that doing it while I'm 'feeling fat' is going to trigger a shame spiral... What I really want is to be able to feel attractive and sexy whatever weight I am, but I just can't see that happening, even with an attractive admiring man in my life.

While it is obvious that men are more likely to 'check out' younger women's bodies, clearly this in no way precludes them from appreciating the sexiness of older women or wanting to have relationships with them. From what I have observed, men are nowhere near as fussy as women think - and the ones who are overly fixated on appearance are really not worth worrying about. From a feminist point of view, perhaps we should be challenging the media's constant subliminal conditioning that has us believe that our only real value in the world lies in our attractiveness to men, and that if they ever stop lusting after our body, we instantly become nothing.

As I write this, I also wonder if perhaps some of women's insecurity about becoming sexually invisible is actually rooted in the much deeper fear of our own mortality; the nebulous oily fear that that comes bubbling to the surface with the impending loss of fertility and its indisputable message that our youth is most definitely over. Perhaps this is why everyone is so afraid of the menopause - both men and women - because when it arrives it is the first tangible sign that our lives really do not go on forever. In my case this terrifying wake-up-call happened in my early 40s before I had even had the chance to have any children, and it left me feeling like somehow my life managed to slip through my fingers - maybe obsessing about my weight and wanting to regain my youthful body is all about wanting to stay in control...

The fact is older women can be very sexy and judging by the snowballing 'cougar' movement, even younger men are beginning to see that. If a post menopausal woman wants sex, I am confident she can get it. If she wants love, I believe she will get offers from men of all ages, however she might be more inclined to turn them down because SHE has got more picky. And should her long term relationship fail there is nothing to suggest she won't find a new relationship if she really wants one. But in the end, all the male attention in the world won't stop the menopause from making us feel more unattractive if we are already suffering from low self esteem - or from forcing us to the face our fear of our own mortality.

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Reflecting upon what I have written, I think that I need to focus on being grateful for all that I have today, while also creating the space to grieve all that I have lost with my youth. Male sexual attention has always been a double edged sword for me - maybe menopause is actually offering us the opportunity to liberate ourselves from the shackles of the endless approval seeking from men:

Maybe this is the time to finally break free and truly become ourselves...

Goddess Blessings ♥

Sex, Herbs & Wedding Nights

I recently started taking Chinese Angelica to increase my libido but up until now I have been taking a low dose for fear of the herb triggering an early period. I definitely noticed a gentle increase of sexual energy a week after I started taking it, but think I would need a higher dose to get the desired effect longer term. I am aiming to gradually work towards the right level for me, one which will increase my sexual desire without increasing the severity or frequency of menstrual bleeding.

My period is due the end of this week so, after last month's ‘phantom period’ experience, I have decided to increase my dosage of Chinese Angelica from 0.5mls to 1.0ml per day to hopefully help bring it on. If it turns into another ‘phantom period’, (pain but no bleeding,) I will further increase the dose as it worked really well last time. I am aware that at some point the bleeds will cease regardless of any herbs I take and it feels to me like this is going to happen soon. I have made my peace with this (I think!) and in some ways am even quite excited about experiencing the next phase of my menopausal journey. However, I would of course rather not go through any more discomfort than necessary during this transition phase and I believe herbs are the best option for keeping my periods as regular as possible for as long as possible.

Over all, my libido has been very up and down the past few months. There have been a few occasions when it felt like I could set the world on fire and other times where no matter what I did, I couldn’t even muster a tiny muffled spark - but I guess it would be fair to say that most of the time I have just been feeling sort of ambivalent. I first noticed my libido take a sudden, unexpected nose dive last autumn (2015). Because my partner was away at the time, I didn’t pay it too much attention until I was pleasantly surprised by a surge of sexual feelings when I started taking St John’s Wort for something else. (I didn’t even know that it could have that effect until my suspicion was confirmed online.)

Once I realised that herbs really could really increase my sex drive, I did some research and decided to start taking Maca as well. (It is also reputed to be very good for general menopausal symptoms.) I noticed a similar surge in sexual energy when I first started taking it but, as with the St John’s Wort, after the initial rush, it evened out fairly quickly to something just about ‘normal’. When I went to visit my partner over Christmas, I didn’t take the St John’s Wort or Maca with me and was really shocked and disappointed by how quickly my libido was snuffed out. (I didn’t want to take my entire arsenal of pills and tinctures – there would have been no room left in my 'carry on case' for clothes!)

Once I returned home and was back on both herbs, I then had to stop taking the St John’s Wort as I started suffering anxiety and vivid, not very pleasant dreams. I wasn’t 100% sure this was the cause, but from what I have read it certainly seemed possible so I thought it best to stop and see if it helped. (I think that it has helped, though I have discovered that some of this may well have been caused by the menopause.) I also changed over from very expensive Maca capsules to a cheaper powder and unfortunately having to actually eat the Maca has caused me to reduce the dose and therefore the effects. (Menopause is SO bloody expensive!!) So, the reason I have been trying the Chinese Angelica is so I can find a replacement herb that is affordable and doesn’t give me any nasty side effects.

Having experienced going cold turkey from 'libido enhancing' herbs, I realised with great sadness that from now on, I’ll probably need continued help in the sexual department. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I am due to get married for the first time next year. At this stage in our new relationship, the last thing I want is to completely go off sex – I’d like to at least be up for it on my wedding night! If I wasn’t in a relationship I am not sure I’d really care that much because it is hard to miss something you don’t actually have the drive for. But I am in a relationship and my stifled sex drive really is an issue because not only do I want my partner to be happy but I also want to feel free to enjoy the physical side of things with someone I really love.

To be honest I am more than a little bit peeved that my libdo decided to take a nose dive after I met the man of my dreams, especially when I have been single for most of my adult life. Not only did I really want to experience being in a loving, healthy, committed relationship with a man, (something that up until I met my partner seemed completely beyond my reach,) but I also wanted to explore the deeper, potentially spiritual aspects of a sexual union. It is a bit of a bad joke that I have been waiting my whole life for this ‘relational opportunity’ and now it has finally arrived, my body seems to have other ideas!

In addition to calling upon Mother Nature’s ‘herbal help’, I have also had some ideas on how to mentally ‘reframe’ this rather awkward situation into something positive and potentially transformative. I will  be writing more on this later, but for now let’s just say I feel as though I am  ‘hovering’ between two worlds while waiting for my wings to sprout so I can fly off in a new direction...

Goddess Blessings ♥

Dealing with the Rage...

Today I am having to force myself to write, not because I don’t want to but because I am feeling so lethargic and defeated by a strange depression that doing anything at all feels like wading through treacle. But I want to write because I know it will make me feel better… so here I am.

I am beginning to get the impression that menopause is bringing up lots of stuff from my childhood – stuff I thought I’d dealt with long ago. I had another rage attack on Saturday, triggered this time by more of the seemingly 'never ending internet hell' followed by two days of people parking their cars in my parking space.

We have an ongoing issue with visitors parking in our spaces where I live, but it hasn’t happened to me for months. Then, on the day of ‘YMIH’ (Yet More Internet Hassle) someone decides to park in my space while I was out in the morning and then not leave until after I had gone to bed. The next morning I hadn’t even had a chance to move my car before some other f**ker had moved into my spot and then stayed for most of the day. Arrrrgh! I had to really talk myself down from going out and vandalising their car – instead I went berserk in the flat and ended up hurting my fingers. Why the hell is all this happening at a time when I am so completely incapable of dealing with it? It really feels like the Universe is conspiring against me right now and it makes me wonder what is it I am not getting?

While reflecting upon all this frustrating ridiculousness, it has occurred to me that I haven’t felt this enraged since I was 7 years old. At that time I was in a permanent state of impotent rage because my step mother, who I was unfortunately forced to live with, absolutely delighted in controlling, harassing, and humiliating me on a daily basis. Perhaps I have been experiencing the same feelings of utter powerlessness because in both situations it seemed like there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent the relentless stress.

Feeling this impotent rage again is really freaking me out because it really doesn’t reflect the person I am today. Not only is my life generally very good, but I know that I am no longer a powerless child whose only recourse is to smash something in a rage when I get stressed by something. But these days, when I get triggered by any continued stress that’s exactly how it feels. It is as if something deeply primal and instinctive takes over and if I find I am unable to protect myself by resolving the stress fairly quickly, then I am overcome with the desire to destroy whatever is causing it or to ‘kill myself’ in frustration and despair. (Don’t worry, these suicidal thoughts are more of an overly dramatic mental loop than a feeling that I would actually ever act upon.) It seems to me that the hormonal fluctuations and imbalances caused by the menopause are simultaneously amplifying my natural reactions while pushing my stress tolerance level down so far that I find myself in cave woman ‘fight or flight’ mode far too readily.

The question has always been – is it ‘just’ the hormones? My answer to that is I really don’t think it is. Yes, the hormonal fluctuations are making it much harder for me to manage my emotional reactions and are apparently creating my primal ‘wild’ self to surface but there is always an external stimuli which triggers it – even if it is an apparent over-reaction to circumstances, my rage definitely doesn’t come out of nowhere. I’d even argue that my menopausal lack of tolerance for putting up with crap from other people somehow feels more authentic, the only problem is I still have to find a way to function in the world outside and I really can’t go around smashing up people’s cars! 

Perhaps more to the point, I wonder how much of this is simply the huge reservoirs of frustrated childhood rage bubbling to the surface? It seems to me that the menopause is pushing the darker, hidden aspects of my psyche to the surface while simultaneously reducing my usual capacity to handle it – a bit like going on a dodgy group therapy weekend and having everything stirred with no place to properly process, resolve or release the feelings after the event. (Yes, I have unfortunately been there.)

As I write this, I am wondering if perhaps this is a good time to re-enter therapy, especially as last year I finally completely broke contact with my family. Maybe the timing is absolutely perfect – the menopause is literally forcing me to deal with this stuff on a deeper level by holding me hostage with mood swings and self-defeating mental loops that are challenging me on an almost daily basis. Maybe I need to stop ignoring and overriding my feelings so that they build up into a volcanic eruption. Maybe I need to separate the stuff I can change from the stuff that I can’t; to try and deal with life directly instead of ignoring the stuff I am afraid of (i.e. leaving a job that is too stressful) and driving myself bonkers by focussing all my agitated attention on things I really am completely powerless over (i.e. telecommunications companies and selfish drivers).

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I started writing this post a couple of days ago and since then have finally sent the difficult email to the person I was working for. The end result was a polite email exchange where we both expressed the belief that it would be better if we ended the arrangement. After receiving the reply this morning, the relief is slowly beginning to sink in…

I also had fun the other day scrawling ‘Private! No Parking!’ in thick black marker pen on a large ceramic flower pot which now lives in the middle of my parking space while I am out.

Woe betide anyone who decides to move it!! 

Goddess Blessings ♥