Just for Today...

Today I have hit a wall and am finding it so hard to even write this. I still can’t believe that this is hormonally triggered, it is just so extreme. Today after several days of waking with weird dreams – not really disturbing but just emotionally triggering, I have been left feeling disassociated from my body. I had a pelvic scan this morning which went well but to be honest I hardly even noticed that I went, I have been feeling so split off from myself and the world. I decided rather than going straight home I should go for a walk in a riverside park as I find nature usually sorts me out. Instead I found myself sitting by these beautiful rocks just as split off from my body as I had been at home. I found I couldn’t move or really cry – another thing that usually brings relief. I was massively bothered by people walking by and felt uneasy about going home as I partner was there and I just want to be alone. When I got up and pushed myself to walk more vigorously, I found my mood lifting a little but still no real relief.

I really don’t know what is wrong with me. I have so much to be grateful for and nothing major stressing me out, perhaps for the first time in my life. I wonder if now that things are quiet this is a delayed reaction to my past or if I feel like this because there is something ‘wrong’ that I am not seeing. I am normally a woman of dynamic action but I have absolutely no motivation to do anything and if I try to figure things out I find my head going round and around in circles which sends me deeper into despair as I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know whether to try to ‘push through’ this or to gently ‘sit with it’. If I could be sure what ‘it’ was, then perhaps I’d know what to do; if this is grief then I know I just need to make space for feeling it. If it is hormones or related chemical imbalance then perhaps I need to take a more pragmatic approach and take action… What really scares me is the worry that this is the ‘real me’; now all distractions and stresses have been removed maybe this is how I really feel about myself and about life.   

It feels like a really bad drug / addiction withdrawal and I wonder if this is what it is. I read on one website (I think it was A Vogel) that menopause is in fact a ‘drug’ withdrawal – the drug being oestrogen. We have been reliant on the chemical oestrogen our whole lives and now our bodies have to become accustomed to functioning without it. This makes perfect sense to me. I have also suffered from love addiction and wonder if my cutting ties from my abusive family has sent me into a different kind of withdrawal, especially as I have spent many years trying to resolve things with them.

OK – this writing is definitely helping. Strangely, writing for an audience helps the processing because if I write in my journal in this head space I just seem to spiral down. At least this way I have to be more precise and not allow myself to get sucked into my negativity because no one would want to read that! I said right at the beginning that I wanted this blog to be an anchor and even when I desperately want to isolate and avoid, as soon as I start typing the negativity starts to lose its grip.

My conclusion today is that I am experiencing withdrawal, possibly even from two things – oestrogen and also to unhealthy attachments that have dominated my life. It is no wonder that I am feeling wobbly, confused and split off – my mind, heart and my body have some major adjusting to do.

So, just for today, I am going to stop trying to ‘figure it out’. I will neither sit there staring into space nor pick up the axe and start trying to chop my way through the dead wood. I don’t have to be Super Woman but neither should I sit here and wallow in my negativity. I am going to write a list of simple things I can do when I feel like a trapped rabbit drowning in her burrow. This is a list of things I know have worked in the past all of which I can try and see which works in the moment:

1. Write my blog – that is what it is for!

2. Go for a walk in nature – get away from people and the city if I can

3. If my back feels up to it – walk up a big hill or try a bit of running

4. Do some mundane physical or administrative chores

5. Dance to loud music or listen to relaxing music to calm my mind

6. Sit by a bubbling stream, weir,  waterfall or waves – anywhere the water makes sound

7. Write a gratitude list (I may even start a gratitude diary again…)

8. Give my partner a hug and allow myself to cry if tears come

9. Call or meet up with a friend for coffee

10. Create some routine / structure / small achievable goals – I don’t have passion motivating me right now so I need to rely more on structure and routine to keep me moving forward, especially as I do not have a full time job at the moment.

I’d love to hear if anyone else has any other suggestions – please feel free to share what works for you…

Goddess Blessings ♥

Cracking Open the Floodgates

I feel really sad and fragile today. Sometimes it’s hard to know what is ‘menopause’ and what is just the ebb and flow of life... but I expect it is all connected because I can’t see how to separate myself or different parts of my life from this huge process I am in.

Thankfully my period came and went without incident. I really think the Chinese Angelica is helping to regulate my cycle as well as increasing my libido to a more acceptable level. I have also noticed that the intense rages have subsided; despite feeling immense grief today, I feel my moods have definitely evened out over the past couple of weeks and even my partner has noticed too… So a big thumbs up to Angelica!

I was almost feeling normal again but over the last 3 days or so I have been having unpleasant dreams that have left me feeling really empty and sad. The more I reflect upon my menopausal experience, the more I notice that this process seems to be causing things that are buried deep in my psyche to bubble to the surface, often though my dreams. Every time this happens, I wake feeling awful even though I am mostly re-experiencing something that is predominantly in the past.

I guess any healing process is multi-layered and I shouldn't be surprised that grief should surface at this time in my life. Not only are the hormones making it harder for me to keep any feelings I do have under control but also menopause itself is a time of ‘letting go’ and of potentially grieving one’s youth. I didn’t have a very happy youth so for me it is less about grieving what was and more about grieving what will never be.

Last year I cut ties with my family and it has recently started to cause me anguish. This is partly because I am no longer fighting to try and resolve things, so all I have left is the loss that has dominated my entire life. But also, since getting engaged and starting to plan my wedding without them, it suddenly all feels so real and so final. Rather than simply feeling happy that I am finally free of all the pain they caused me and that I am starting a new life with a man who really knows how to love, all I can feel right now is immense grief at the sheer enormity of my loss. Add that to all the other childhood feelings that are surfacing and it has started to feel quite overwhelming. The grief and feelings of rejection have started to make me question my decision to break contact and to doubt that I have done the ‘right’ thing. Thankfully, as soon as I cast my mind back to what it was like to be ‘in there’ with them, I am quite sure that not only is living with this grief so much better, but it also perfectly natural given the circumstances.

It seems that an entire life’s worth of ‘letting go’ and grieving is converging at this profound moment in my life. As menopause cracks open the floodgates of my lamenting soul, I pray that I will find the courage to feel and release these layers grief that I have been carrying around with me most of my life. 

As I stand and face these waves, I pray that I find the strength to allow them to wash away the past and everything that has held me back in life. 

Goddess Blessings ♥