Today I have hit a wall and am finding it so hard to even write
this. I still can’t believe that this is hormonally triggered, it is just so extreme. Today after several days of
waking with weird dreams – not really disturbing but just emotionally
triggering, I have been left feeling disassociated from my body. I had a pelvic scan
this morning which went well but to be honest I hardly even noticed that I
went, I have been feeling so split off from myself and the world. I decided rather than going
straight home I should go for a walk in a riverside park as I find nature
usually sorts me out. Instead I found myself sitting by these beautiful rocks
just as split off from my body as I had been at home. I found I couldn’t move
or really cry – another thing that usually brings relief. I was massively
bothered by people walking by and felt uneasy about going home as I partner was
there and I just want to be alone. When I got up and pushed myself to walk more
vigorously, I found my mood lifting a little but still no real relief.
I really don’t know what is wrong with me. I have so much to
be grateful for and nothing major stressing me out, perhaps for the first time
in my life. I wonder if now that things are quiet this is a delayed reaction to
my past or if I feel like this because there is something ‘wrong’ that I am not
seeing. I am normally a woman of dynamic action but I have absolutely no
motivation to do anything and if I try to figure things out I find my head
going round and around in circles which sends me deeper into despair as I just
don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know whether to try to ‘push through’
this or to gently ‘sit with it’. If I could be sure what ‘it’ was, then perhaps
I’d know what to do; if this is grief then I know I just need to make space for
feeling it. If it is hormones or related chemical imbalance then perhaps I need
to take a more pragmatic approach and take action… What really scares me is the
worry that this is the ‘real me’; now all distractions and stresses have been
removed maybe this is how I really
feel about myself and about life.
It feels like a really bad drug / addiction withdrawal and I
wonder if this is what it is. I read on one website (I think it was A Vogel)
that menopause is in fact a ‘drug’ withdrawal – the drug being oestrogen. We
have been reliant on the chemical oestrogen our whole lives and now our bodies
have to become accustomed to functioning without it. This makes perfect sense
to me. I have also suffered from love addiction and wonder if my cutting ties
from my abusive family has sent me into a different kind of withdrawal,
especially as I have spent many years trying to resolve things with them.
OK – this writing is definitely helping. Strangely, writing
for an audience helps the processing because if I write in my journal in this
head space I just seem to spiral down. At least this way I have to be more
precise and not allow myself to get sucked into my negativity because no one
would want to read that! I said right at the beginning that I wanted this blog
to be an anchor and even when I desperately want to isolate and avoid, as soon
as I start typing the negativity starts to lose its grip.
My conclusion today is that I am experiencing withdrawal,
possibly even from two things – oestrogen and also to unhealthy attachments
that have dominated my life. It is no wonder that I am feeling wobbly, confused
and split off – my mind, heart and my body have some major adjusting to do.
So, just for today, I am going to stop trying to ‘figure it
out’. I will neither sit there staring into space nor pick up the axe and start
trying to chop my way through the dead wood. I don’t have to be Super Woman but
neither should I sit here and wallow in my negativity. I am going to write a list of simple
things I can do when I feel like a trapped rabbit drowning in her burrow. This
is a list of things I know have worked in the past all of which I can try and
see which works in the moment:
1. Write my blog – that is what it is for!
2. Go for a walk in nature – get away from people and the city
if I can
3. If my back feels up to it – walk up a big hill or try a bit
of running
4. Do some mundane physical or administrative chores
5. Dance to loud music or listen to relaxing music to calm my
mind
6. Sit by a bubbling stream, weir, waterfall or waves – anywhere the water makes
sound
7. Write a gratitude list (I may even start a gratitude diary
again…)
8. Give my partner a hug and allow myself to cry if tears come
9. Call or meet up with a friend for coffee
10. Create some routine / structure / small achievable goals – I
don’t have passion motivating me right now so I need to rely more on structure
and routine to keep me moving forward, especially as I do not have a full time
job at the moment.
I’d love to hear if anyone else has any other suggestions –
please feel free to share what works for you…
Goddess Blessings ♥
