I feel really sad and fragile today. Sometimes it’s hard to
know what is ‘menopause’ and what is just the ebb and flow of life... but I expect
it is all connected because I can’t see how to separate myself or different parts of my
life from this huge process I am in.
Thankfully my period came and went without incident. I really
think the Chinese Angelica is helping to regulate my cycle as well as increasing my libido to a more acceptable level. I have also noticed that the intense rages
have subsided; despite feeling immense grief today, I feel my moods have
definitely evened out over the past couple of weeks and even my partner has
noticed too… So a big thumbs up to Angelica!
I was almost feeling normal again but over the last 3 days or so
I have been having unpleasant dreams that have left me feeling really empty and sad. The more I reflect upon my menopausal experience, the more I notice
that this process seems to be causing things that are buried deep in my psyche to
bubble to the surface, often though my dreams. Every time this happens, I wake feeling
awful even though I am mostly re-experiencing something that is predominantly
in the past.
I guess any healing process is multi-layered and I shouldn't be surprised that grief should surface at this time in my
life. Not only are the hormones making it harder for me to keep any feelings I do have under
control but also menopause itself is a time of ‘letting go’ and of potentially grieving
one’s youth. I didn’t have a very happy youth so for me it is less about
grieving what was and more about grieving what will never be.
Last year I cut ties with my family and it has recently started to cause me anguish. This is partly because I am no longer fighting to try and resolve things, so all
I have left is the loss that has dominated my entire life. But also, since getting engaged and starting to plan my wedding without them, it suddenly all feels so real and so final. Rather than simply feeling happy that I am finally free of all the
pain they caused me and that I am starting a new life with a man who really knows how to
love, all I can feel right now is immense grief at the sheer enormity of my
loss. Add that to all the other childhood feelings that are surfacing and it has started to feel quite overwhelming. The grief and feelings of rejection
have started to make me question my decision to break contact and to doubt that
I have done the ‘right’ thing. Thankfully, as soon as I cast my mind back to what it was like to
be ‘in there’ with them, I am quite sure that not only is living with this
grief so much better, but it also perfectly natural given the circumstances.
It seems that an entire life’s worth of ‘letting go’ and
grieving is converging at this profound moment in my life. As menopause cracks open
the floodgates of my lamenting soul, I pray that I will find the courage to feel
and release these layers grief that I have been carrying around with me most of
my life.
As I stand and face these waves, I pray that I find the strength to allow them to wash away
the past and everything that has held me back in life.
Goddess Blessings ♥
